Donald Trump, STFU

Of all the people in this world with ability to grab hold of a wave of publicity and ride it until it gives way, Donald Trump is one of the most adept. Between The Apprentice (which, by the by, was pretty good back in the days of Omarosa, but should have been killed off three seasons ago), The Celebrity Apprentice (gagfest), marrying models 24 years his junior, getting roasted on Comedy Central last month, and uh, all the business stuff or whatever that he does, I can’t remember a time when this dude wasn’t at the forefront of the American collective unconscious. To make matters worse, he’s been pulling this presidential candidacy stunt since October, so now “journalists” (if that’s still what they have the gall to call themselves) have taken on the responsibility of passing on his every movement and utterance.

(Yes, to answer your unasked question, I absolutely think this whole “running for president” thing is a stunt with no actual basis in any event that will actually happen, ever. It’s like when Hulk Hogan announced that he was running in 2000, except that Trump uses slightly less bronzer. Even if he did run, no American with two-tenths of a brain cell would even consider voting for a wealthy business tycoon with a questionable reputation and no political or military experience to speak of…shit. I’ve heard this one before. I better renew my passport.)

Generally speaking, The Donald doesn’t bother me so much. Most of what he says is easily ignored nonsense, and in some ways (strong leadership, high risk tolerance) I even begrudgingly admire him a bit. This time, though, he’s gone too far. In a recent appearance on CNN, Trump decried not only my beloved New York City, but America in general. I shall address the second part first:

“This country is a laughingstock throughout the world. It’s being ripped-off by every country. If you look at what China is doing, they’re stealing our jobs, they’re taking our money. They’re building bridges. They’re building airports. They’re building cities, brand new cities. When was the last time you saw a bridge being built in the United States?”

Yikes. And I thought Liberals were the ones who hated America. At least, that’s what Fox News is always telling me. Riddle me this, though, Le Donster: what are bridges for? They are a structure which provides a route for traveling over an obstacle which would otherwise not be navigable with a land craft, such as over a river or steep valley. Yes, you’re correct. 1 point for you. Next question: when was the last time you traveled on any route which led you to encounter such an obstacle THAT DIDN”T ALREADY HAVE A BRIDGE OVER IT? Just out of curiosity, what did you do when you got there? Caulk the wagon and float it across or attempt to ford the river?

Donald Trumps worst fears realized.

You see, in America, we’ve pretty much already encountered and overcome all the rivers and gaps we are reasonably expecting to deal with. In fact, we took care of most of that in the 19th Century during Western Expansion. It’s not like we’re having daily occurrences of motorists coming across uncharted rivers while city planners say, “Fuck it. I don’t feel like hiring people to build a bridge across that shit.” Stop making it sound like laziness or lack of initiative. These days, our focus is more on maintaining and repairing the bridges we already have. Are you asking when the last time I saw that was? Because if so, my answer is last Saturday, when I drove across the recently repaired Willis Avenue Bridge from Manhattan into the Bronx. I know, I’m just as pissed that it’s been that long since my last bridge construction spotting, too. That’s why the Chinese are outscoring our kids on math and science tests– we’re not building enough bridges! Well, either that, or our failing public education system, which incidentally is much more in need of attention than our bridge shortage. Just a thought.

As far as his lashing out against NYC, The Donald That Is Cooler Than Duck But Not As Cool As Cheadle was quoted as saying:

“You land your plane at LaGuardia Airport, you go to LaGuardia Airport, it’s like a Third World airport.”

Ugh, I know. I remember last time I was coming back from my house on Martha’s Vineyard, they made Vincenzo (that’s my pilot; all the best ones are Italian, you know) approach from the north, so we had to fly right over the East River and Riker’s Island. I swear I could smell the criminal stench as we made our final descent.

Two things you should make note of, Donkey: 1) most Americans DON’T FUCKING HAVE PLANES, and 2) I’m no expert, but I don’t think airports in the Third World have Wi-Fi and Cinnabon. If you’re really going to run for president, you may want to make some attempt at having a passing knowledge about the experience of the common man in America. Maybe you spend your time swimming in a vault filled with gold coins and cleaning up after Huey, Dewey and Louie’s hijinks, but most of us have other shit to do.

As long as I’m handing out friendly advice, here’s another for you, Mr. Trump: next time you get to Snake River Crossing, just pay the toll to take a ferry across. Then, STFU and be happy Mary doesn’t have cholera.

Kobe Bryant, STFU

For those of you who have been trapped down a well since 1996 don’t follow sports, let me start by saying that Kobe Bryant is a basketball player. And for those of you who are just joining the Tiles party, let me sum up my opinion of said basketball player: possibly the greatest player alive, huge douchebag. I’ve always had respect for Kobe’s game, as his skills have never been in doubt. There’s also no doubt that he’s an asocial, arrogant, spoiled prima donna who unnecessarily and counterproductively alienates those who have made him the star he is– namely, his teammates, his fans, and the media. To be fair, I think the same of LeBron, except for the asocial part. LeBron is plenty gregarious, he just lacks tact and a degree of empathy and self-awareness. But I digress.

On Tuesday night, Bryant’s Lakers defeated the San Antonio Spurs seventh- through twelfth-best players, moving them closer to the #2 seed in the Western Conference. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the cameras caught him hurling a very not nice word in the direction of official Bennie Adams, who had just issued Bryant a technical foul.

Now, as anyone who knows me personally can tell you, there are certain words I simply do not say, even in the course of reporting, paraphrasing, or quoting something that has been uttered by someone else. One of these is the “N” word, and the other is the “F” word. No, not “fuck,” you fucking moron. I say “fuck” somewhere in the neighborhood of 6,000 times per day. I use that shit as punctuation. I mean the other “F” word. Yeah, that one. So, rather than describe Kobe’s tantrum, I’ll let you watch and judge for yourselves (Disclaimer: although the audio of this clip is from a network TV broadcast and therefore perfectly clean, the phonemes which one can decipher by reading Kobe’s lips are decidedly NSFW. Proceed with caution.):

Stay classy, Kobe.

Really though, I’m not all that outraged about what he said. He’s a competitor, he thought the call was unfair, he got caught in the heat of the moment and said something stupid. I get it. After a touch football game, I once called one of my opponents — a guy who clocks in at about 6′ 2″, 2oo and plays rugby just for the thrill of hearing bones creak — a “pussy.” I managed to escape unscathed, but it was a near thing. I’m not proud of it, and I apologized once I realized what a jackass I had been. Sometimes people say dumb shit during the course of competition. I’m not saying it’s OK, but it happens. I get it.

Now what’s Kobe to do? He’s been caught. (Aside: don’t you think that by now he would have realized there are cameras at these games? I feel like he should have been at least CC’d on that memo. Just checking.) It’s obvious to everyone that he said what we all think he said, right? Wait, what? It’s not? As late as Wednesday morning, the official stance of the Lakers organization — via a spokesperson — was as follows:

“We haven’t seen the video, so it would be inappropriate for us to comment on it.”

Awesome. That’s a great stance, Lakers. Just claim that — unlike millions of viewers nationwide who don’t represent the organization — you didn’t see the game. You’re either collectively really stupid or believe that we all are. This stance didn’t last terribly long, however, as by Wednesday afternoon, TMZ was reporting that:

“The Lakers can not confirm that is what Kobe said or not.”

Well, then. Guess that settles that. Just one question, though: do you think that maybe, just maybe, you could look into the matter by — oh, I don’t know — asking one of the ten to twenty other  employees of your organization who were within earshot during Kobe’s alleged verbal demonstration of idiocy? Just a suggestion. I like to be solution-focused.

For his part, Kobe would take the guess work out of it for us by holding a press conference, calmly apologizing, and pledging to make more of an effort to keep his cool in the future releasing a curt statement:

“What I said last night should not be taken literally. My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period. The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone.”

Thanks for clearing that up, Kobe. Apparently, you subscribe to the Michael Scott school of homosexual sensitivity. Seriously, that’s it? We’re not supposed to take it literally, as in you don’t actually think Adams is gay, so we should all cool our jets about the whole thing? That doesn’t make it better, you arrogant dick; if anything it makes it worse. Let me break it down for you. You were mad because the ref made what you thought was a bad call. That is, he did something wrong. You chose to express this anger by calling him a word that is used to describe people of a certain lifestyle. In so doing — and then following it up with your garbled, craptacular excuse — you equate his “wrong” action with the group you just injected into the conversation. You used sexuality as an insult, Kobe; saying you didn’t mean it “literally” doesn’t excuse that. In fact, nothing does, so the best move for you is to admit your mistake and ask forgiveness, rather than going with the “I’m not that guy, everybody just calm down” approach.

In response to the video footage, the Human Rights Campaign had this to say:

“Professional sports players need to set a better example for young people who use words like this on the playground and in our schools, creating a climate of intolerance and hostility. The LA Lakers have a responsibility to educate their fans about why this word is unacceptable.”

As for my response, I’ll keep it short: Kobe Bryant, STFU.

Lawrence Taylor, STFU

In case you forgot about everyone’s favorite pass rusher/multiple substance abuser/convicted perpetrator of sexual assault, fear not; Lawrence Taylor is doing just fine. Well, in a sense he’s doing fine, but in a much more real sense he’s actually up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle. (Yes, that’s a proverb. Read up on your Confucian wisdom and you’ll see what I mean.)

LT is currently in a dispute with his ex-wife over child support for his 13-year-old daughter, according to Gothamist. You see, Ebony Washington, the mother of one of Taylor’s SEVEN CHILDREN, requested a hearing to have child support payments from Taylor increased in order to help treat the girl’s Crohn’s disease. LT opposed the request, stating:

“My income is generated solely by my popularity as a celeb. The fact that I last played in 1993 and legal problems in Rockland County … have severely diminished my ability to obtain income…. I have no college degree or special skills other than athletics.”

Well then, I guess that settles it. Poor guy obviously got in over his head when he was playing, and now that’s he retired he’s struggling to make ends meet. He’s doing the best he can, so maybe we just leave him al– hey wait a minute! This girl is 13 (er, uh, 3 years younger than the prostitute LT admitted to having sex with). Now, I’m no doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that puts her birth some time in either 1997 or 1998, at least four years after Taylor retired from the NFL and his “ability to obtain income” started diminishing. So, back in the late ’90s, in spite having no job and no means of income other than savings and his NFL pension — both of which I’m sure he has managed meticulously — Taylor went ahead and acquired himself yet another baby momma, and now he’s unhappy with having to make child support payments he can’t afford. Seems like you called that tune there, Larry; time to pay the piper.

Fortunately, I’m not only a solution-focused kind of guy, but also fairly financially savvy, and therefore I have some suggestions to help LT ot of his cash crunch. Read on, Mr. Taylor. We’ll get through this yet:

1. STOP HAVING FUCKING KIDS. To be fair, I don’t actually know that he hasn’t reproducing, and I don’t really want to delve deep enough into the man’s life to determine for sure. The very idea of doing that makes me feel icky. I do happen to know through a combination of sources that at least 2 of his children are older than this girl, which leaves 4 whose ages are unknown to me, and it’s entirely possible they are all older than thirteen years. But, just in case he hadn’t thought of it, I figured I would offer up this suggestion anyway.

2. STOP FUCKING DOING DRUGS. Drugs cost money, so fewer drugs = more money. Simple inverse correlation. This one’s a no-brainer, really. In addition, this has the ancillary benefit of reducing the risk of legal complications, which brings me too my next idea.

3. If “legal problems…have severely diminished [your] ability to obtain income,” then STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW. More specifically, might I suggest not having sex with underage prostitutes? That’s at least two different kinds of illegal, so go ahead and file that under T, for “Things to Avoid Because They Cost Me Money Which Would Be Better Spent Supporting My Chronically Ill Daughter.” According to some numbers from Wikipedia, this would have saved you at least $90,000 in the last 2 years alone– that’s almost 4 years of child support payments right there! I would also be willing to bet that having a better reputation would make it more likely for a TV network to take a chance on you with a broadcasting gig. You would probably make a pretty good and/or sideline guy. Hell, it worked for Keyshawn Johnson, and he’s a huge asshole. And speaking of gigs…

4. Finally, if all else fails — and this is an extreme suggestion — GET A FUCKING JOB. Do what the rest of us (well, not me, but other people) do when they don’t have any money and go fill out some applications. Do some autograph shows. Find a ghostwriter and write a(nother) book. For god’s sake, do something. I know it’s a tough economy, but plenty of people are finding ways to make it work. You can too. Quit whining.

Bottom line: this is your daughter, Larry. She’s your child and she just so happens to have a chronic illness. You knocked her mom up, you gotta help the kid stay as healthy as you can. That’s the way it works. So, until you’ve exhausted all the options available to you, I have one last piece of advice: STFU.