The Sugar Free Project

Fueled by a recent health kick, as well as a perceived challenge from my girlfriend, I am going sugar-free for the entire month of June, as are a couple of my friends. All told, there are four of us embarking on a month sans sugar, which began in earnest 3 days ago.

I would like to say that I am doing it for my health, because refined sugar is bad for you and diabetes runs in my family and blah blah obesity blah blah heart disease blah blah instant death awaits you at the bottom of a bottle of Pepsi. (Ed. note: Claims that Pepsi is lethal can neither be confirmed nor denied by the Food and Drug Administration, PepsiCo, or the Surgeon General. But Michael Jackson was burned during the filming of that commercial. Just sayin’.) No, as with most things in my life I am doing this entirely for my own ego. Specifically, because I 1) like to join in on other people’s quitting efforts just to show off how easy it is for me, a la Sick Boy in Trainspotting; and 2) I want my abs to pop out like Whack-a-Moles at Chuck E. Cheese. If I happen to be healthier for it, then so be it, but fuck if I care. I just want to show off and look better naked. (Incidentally, I’m told that my efforts on this front to date have been effective.) (No, that link is not a nude picture of me. As far as you know.) (OK, seriously, it’s not. I promise. It’s SFW, unless your workplace is uberuptight.)

So far, it’s going fine. The problem isn’t so much major cravings like ice cream (I’ve been known to kill a whole pint by myself), but incidental things, like iced coffee and protein bars. Do you know how hard it is to find sugar-free protein bars? I think they’re all kept wherever the unicorns are. This challenge, though, gives me a new-found appreciation for me mother, which is pretty amazing, because I have an extremely deep appreciation for her already.

My mother, you see, is diabetic. She developed gestational diabetes while she was pregnant with me, and, as sometimes happens, it just never went away. (I hope that’s accurate, otherwise she’s gonna read this and wonder where the fuck I get my information from and why I haven’t been paying proper attention for the last 27 years.) She practices a strict diet and fitness routine to keep her blood sugar in check, but I know that sometimes she has an extremely difficult time finding foods, especially snack foods, that are sugar-free. If nothing else, I expect this month will give me a deeper understanding and appreciation of her challenges…even if I don’t get six-pack abs.

Stay tuned for updates on my June without sugar. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go solve the protein bar problem the same way my mom would: I’m going to make my own.