Donald Trump, STFU

Of all the people in this world with ability to grab hold of a wave of publicity and ride it until it gives way, Donald Trump is one of the most adept. Between The Apprentice (which, by the by, was pretty good back in the days of Omarosa, but should have been killed off three seasons ago), The Celebrity Apprentice (gagfest), marrying models 24 years his junior, getting roasted on Comedy Central last month, and uh, all the business stuff or whatever that he does, I can’t remember a time when this dude wasn’t at the forefront of the American collective unconscious. To make matters worse, he’s been pulling this presidential candidacy stunt since October, so now “journalists” (if that’s still what they have the gall to call themselves) have taken on the responsibility of passing on his every movement and utterance.

(Yes, to answer your unasked question, I absolutely think this whole “running for president” thing is a stunt with no actual basis in any event that will actually happen, ever. It’s like when Hulk Hogan announced that he was running in 2000, except that Trump uses slightly less bronzer. Even if he did run, no American with two-tenths of a brain cell would even consider voting for a wealthy business tycoon with a questionable reputation and no political or military experience to speak of…shit. I’ve heard this one before. I better renew my passport.)

Generally speaking, The Donald doesn’t bother me so much. Most of what he says is easily ignored nonsense, and in some ways (strong leadership, high risk tolerance) I even begrudgingly admire him a bit. This time, though, he’s gone too far. In a recent appearance on CNN, Trump decried not only my beloved New York City, but America in general. I shall address the second part first:

“This country is a laughingstock throughout the world. It’s being ripped-off by every country. If you look at what China is doing, they’re stealing our jobs, they’re taking our money. They’re building bridges. They’re building airports. They’re building cities, brand new cities. When was the last time you saw a bridge being built in the United States?”

Yikes. And I thought Liberals were the ones who hated America. At least, that’s what Fox News is always telling me. Riddle me this, though, Le Donster: what are bridges for? They are a structure which provides a route for traveling over an obstacle which would otherwise not be navigable with a land craft, such as over a river or steep valley. Yes, you’re correct. 1 point for you. Next question: when was the last time you traveled on any route which led you to encounter such an obstacle THAT DIDN”T ALREADY HAVE A BRIDGE OVER IT? Just out of curiosity, what did you do when you got there? Caulk the wagon and float it across or attempt to ford the river?

Donald Trumps worst fears realized.

You see, in America, we’ve pretty much already encountered and overcome all the rivers and gaps we are reasonably expecting to deal with. In fact, we took care of most of that in the 19th Century during Western Expansion. It’s not like we’re having daily occurrences of motorists coming across uncharted rivers while city planners say, “Fuck it. I don’t feel like hiring people to build a bridge across that shit.” Stop making it sound like laziness or lack of initiative. These days, our focus is more on maintaining and repairing the bridges we already have. Are you asking when the last time I saw that was? Because if so, my answer is last Saturday, when I drove across the recently repaired Willis Avenue Bridge from Manhattan into the Bronx. I know, I’m just as pissed that it’s been that long since my last bridge construction spotting, too. That’s why the Chinese are outscoring our kids on math and science tests– we’re not building enough bridges! Well, either that, or our failing public education system, which incidentally is much more in need of attention than our bridge shortage. Just a thought.

As far as his lashing out against NYC, The Donald That Is Cooler Than Duck But Not As Cool As Cheadle was quoted as saying:

“You land your plane at LaGuardia Airport, you go to LaGuardia Airport, it’s like a Third World airport.”

Ugh, I know. I remember last time I was coming back from my house on Martha’s Vineyard, they made Vincenzo (that’s my pilot; all the best ones are Italian, you know) approach from the north, so we had to fly right over the East River and Riker’s Island. I swear I could smell the criminal stench as we made our final descent.

Two things you should make note of, Donkey: 1) most Americans DON’T FUCKING HAVE PLANES, and 2) I’m no expert, but I don’t think airports in the Third World have Wi-Fi and Cinnabon. If you’re really going to run for president, you may want to make some attempt at having a passing knowledge about the experience of the common man in America. Maybe you spend your time swimming in a vault filled with gold coins and cleaning up after Huey, Dewey and Louie’s hijinks, but most of us have other shit to do.

As long as I’m handing out friendly advice, here’s another for you, Mr. Trump: next time you get to Snake River Crossing, just pay the toll to take a ferry across. Then, STFU and be happy Mary doesn’t have cholera.


1 Comment

Filed under STFU

One response to “Donald Trump, STFU

  1. Seth from NJ

    You wana know the real scary thing? Trump is of the Birther party. A party that believes our current president was not born in America. Crazy, right? Well 51% of republicans believe that as well.

    Where can we get our passports and where do you wana go? My vote is Chile.

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