Lawrence Taylor, STFU

In case you forgot about everyone’s favorite pass rusher/multiple substance abuser/convicted perpetrator of sexual assault, fear not; Lawrence Taylor is doing just fine. Well, in a sense he’s doing fine, but in a much more real sense he’s actually up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle. (Yes, that’s a proverb. Read up on your Confucian wisdom and you’ll see what I mean.)

LT is currently in a dispute with his ex-wife over child support for his 13-year-old daughter, according to Gothamist. You see, Ebony Washington, the mother of one of Taylor’s SEVEN CHILDREN, requested a hearing to have child support payments from Taylor increased in order to help treat the girl’s Crohn’s disease. LT opposed the request, stating:

“My income is generated solely by my popularity as a celeb. The fact that I last played in 1993 and legal problems in Rockland County … have severely diminished my ability to obtain income…. I have no college degree or special skills other than athletics.”

Well then, I guess that settles it. Poor guy obviously got in over his head when he was playing, and now that’s he retired he’s struggling to make ends meet. He’s doing the best he can, so maybe we just leave him al– hey wait a minute! This girl is 13 (er, uh, 3 years younger than the prostitute LT admitted to having sex with). Now, I’m no doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that puts her birth some time in either 1997 or 1998, at least four years after Taylor retired from the NFL and his “ability to obtain income” started diminishing. So, back in the late ’90s, in spite having no job and no means of income other than savings and his NFL pension — both of which I’m sure he has managed meticulously — Taylor went ahead and acquired himself yet another baby momma, and now he’s unhappy with having to make child support payments he can’t afford. Seems like you called that tune there, Larry; time to pay the piper.

Fortunately, I’m not only a solution-focused kind of guy, but also fairly financially savvy, and therefore I have some suggestions to help LT ot of his cash crunch. Read on, Mr. Taylor. We’ll get through this yet:

1. STOP HAVING FUCKING KIDS. To be fair, I don’t actually know that he hasn’t reproducing, and I don’t really want to delve deep enough into the man’s life to determine for sure. The very idea of doing that makes me feel icky. I do happen to know through a combination of sources that at least 2 of his children are older than this girl, which leaves 4 whose ages are unknown to me, and it’s entirely possible they are all older than thirteen years. But, just in case he hadn’t thought of it, I figured I would offer up this suggestion anyway.

2. STOP FUCKING DOING DRUGS. Drugs cost money, so fewer drugs = more money. Simple inverse correlation. This one’s a no-brainer, really. In addition, this has the ancillary benefit of reducing the risk of legal complications, which brings me too my next idea.

3. If “legal problems…have severely diminished [your] ability to obtain income,” then STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW. More specifically, might I suggest not having sex with underage prostitutes? That’s at least two different kinds of illegal, so go ahead and file that under T, for “Things to Avoid Because They Cost Me Money Which Would Be Better Spent Supporting My Chronically Ill Daughter.” According to some numbers from Wikipedia, this would have saved you at least $90,000 in the last 2 years alone– that’s almost 4 years of child support payments right there! I would also be willing to bet that having a better reputation would make it more likely for a TV network to take a chance on you with a broadcasting gig. You would probably make a pretty good and/or sideline guy. Hell, it worked for Keyshawn Johnson, and he’s a huge asshole. And speaking of gigs…

4. Finally, if all else fails — and this is an extreme suggestion — GET A FUCKING JOB. Do what the rest of us (well, not me, but other people) do when they don’t have any money and go fill out some applications. Do some autograph shows. Find a ghostwriter and write a(nother) book. For god’s sake, do something. I know it’s a tough economy, but plenty of people are finding ways to make it work. You can too. Quit whining.

Bottom line: this is your daughter, Larry. She’s your child and she just so happens to have a chronic illness. You knocked her mom up, you gotta help the kid stay as healthy as you can. That’s the way it works. So, until you’ve exhausted all the options available to you, I have one last piece of advice: STFU.

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