Category Archives: Shore

Dear Shore…

I once had a girlfriend, who, when I changed our weekend plans or had to work late, would decry aloud to the universe in general, “how can one man be so endlessly disappointing?” Overrated movies — yes, I just called Closer overrated, but only because it is — aside, eventually she was tragically struck by a city bus and died could endure no more such disappointments and left my janky ass. Likewise, I have reached a similar breaking point with “Jersey Shore,” (alternate title: “Well…Fuck”) in that, despite my best efforts at being patient, I don’t know if I can withstand any more disappointment in this relationship. That’s how bad the finale was. The finale was so bad, in fact, that I will do something I rarely do in this space and recap the entire episode…in the style of Brian Griffin as a seeing-eye dog (it was shockingly difficult to find a clip for that scene…so difficult, in fact, that I didn’t succeed):

They’re on the porch. Ronald and Sammitch are arguing. Sammitch and Situation are arguing. Nothing’s happening, nothing’s happening…something about making out…there’s a commercial. Now some of them are at work…something about T-shirts, I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. Nothing’s happening…Vinny and D Rex are arguing…there’s a commercial. Ronald and Sammitch are arguing again, I think about something else. They’re back home now, D Rex yells at Viper, there’s a commercial. Something about Pauly wanting to bang a dude…now it’s morning. Situation apologizes to Sammitch…nothing’s happening…nothing’s happening…CABSAREHERE, commercial. D Rex falls down, Snooki’s banging a dude, Ron’s being a biggity bitch…nothing’s happening…Ron and Sam are fighting…D Rex falls down. Nothing’s happening, Ron and Sam are arguing, commercial. Ron and Sam are still fighting, something about a tree, it’s morning again. A dog poops on the floor, Ron and Sam have their first civil conversation in history…everybody’s leaving. It’s over. Everyone in my living room looks pissed.

WHAT. THE. FUCK? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? By my unofficial tally, that leaves us these scant offerings: 4 Ron/Sam collisions, 2 D Rex faceplants, and 1 “CABSAREHERE,” and some dog poop. Not gonna cut it, Shore. All that possibility for drama, and you deliver nothing other than the same old bullshit between the crash test dummies? Situation feuds with Sammitch…and then apologizes? D Rex cock blocks Vinny…and then makes him a sandwich? Not even Roidhead Ron could muster a punched wall or some strewn belongings.The whole thing was more disappointing than seeing the “N” for nudity rating at the beginning of an episode of “The Sopranos,” then having it turn out to be James Gandolfini’s side boob. Ugh.

Well, I’m sorry, Shore, but this just isn’t working for me. I tried to make it work with you; I really did. For two seasons, I watched every week without fail, no matter what. Once I even watched on a flight to L.A. That’s right, I was exhausted, bummed out due to a flight delay, and in public; and yet, I still remained true to you. I stuck with you through Angelina’s awfulness, JWoww’s cosmetic surgeries, and Situation’s Eternal Grenade Parade (yes, I just gave that term proper noun status). I loved you, Shore. We could have been together forever, but now…the spark is gone. Even D Rex’s lustre has worn off. It’s time for us to take a break. Let’s give each other some space, take some time to focus on ourselves, and see how we feel in Italy. I’m not saying we can’t give this another shot, but it’s going to take some work.

Hey, hey…don’t be like that. Remember all the good times we had — Snooki’s arrest, Sam snuffing Ron in the face, and every single triumphant “CABSAREHERE!” This may be the end of us, but it can also be a new beginning for you. Maybe you’ll finally have time to get your motorcycle license or take that cooking class you’ve been talking about. See? It’s not all bad. Dry your eyes. (Incidentally, that is the single best/worst breakup song ever. I do not recommend listening to it if you’ve recently ended a relationship, however, and neither Tiles in a Mosaic nor nosleeptil can be held responsible for any consequences of said aural intake. Listen at your own risk.)

I’ll see you in Italy, Shore. Maybe there things will be different, but in the mean time, remember: it’s not me, it’s you.

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Pauly D: Discerning Connoisseur

With just one episode to go in the third season of “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “It Could Just Be a Rash…But Probably Not”), the obvious dramatic story line continues to center around Sammitch and the question of whether she dogged Ronald by hitting up another dude when she left the house for a few days. These two epileptic guinea pigs have dominated the entire season like James Spader did to Maggie Gyllenhall in Secretary (boom, obscure analogy!). While I admit their antics have created a necessary amount of drama in the show, my disdain for their ceaseless and pervasive feuding is no secret. That — coupled with my wanting to wait to see what resolution the finale brings — means I won’t be focusing on those two this week. I’m sure you’re heartbroken, and if so, I’m sure you can find another Shore recap to check out, although I doubt it will be so captivating and fulfilling.

Instead, we’re going to talk about a man who has gone remarkably unrecognized lo these two months. This is a man who consistently finds ways to make us all laugh, who never has a cross word to say about anyone, and who requires a power drill to style his hair. Of course, I am talking about the man, the myth, the legend: DJ Pauly D. I was shocked to realize how scant my coverage of Pauly D has been in these (cyber)pages. Sure, I’ve mentioned him here and there, reiterating a witty one-liner or recapping one of his spectacular club pulls, but not once have we paused to really take a deep look at the man behind the blowout. Today, we rectify that. We will learn a little more about Pauly D– and hopefully, in so doing, we will learn just a little more about ourselves. You know, like a zen thing.

Let’s start by taking a look at a few moments of Thursday’s episode. Pauly and Vinny pull their usual twin killing at Aztec, bringing home a girl each. A short time later, the brother of one of the girls shows up, continuing Vinny’s streak of encountering the familial cock block appears to continue, as the brother of one of the girls shows up at the Shore house. Rather than forcibly removing the skanks ladies, however, dude simply offers to give them a ride home — including making himself available to come back the next morning. Pauly realizes he’s no longer down with his selection, and jumps at the opportunity to send her packing, with Vinny following suit. Immediately, two things happened: first, we again get to hear D Rex use the phrase “do sex.” Seriously, does she really think that’s a proper verb/noun pairing? Is that just a thing that she does? Did she lack oxygen during childbirth? I continue to be very concerned. Never mind that for now. Second — and more important — I come to the realization that Pauly D has such exacting standards that he’s willing to boot a sure thing than risk a subpar showing. It’s like he’s been constructed by Japanese auto engineers or German knife makers or something. In hindsight, this isn’t exactly a shocking revelation; in fact, Pauly has a rich history of kicking bitches out the condo like Pam and otherwise dodging questionable hookups.

Take Danielle, for example (although I don’t recommend actually “taking” her, unless you want to wind up on a milk carton). The stalker makes her second appearance of the season in this episode, seemingly materializing over Vinny’s shoulder at Karma. (Anybody else notice that at the moment when Vinny turns around, there’s a quick flash of a flame at the bottom of the screen? It looks like Danielle is flicking a lighter, which of course leads one to ask the question: WHAT. THE. FUCK? I’m amazed that Viper kept his composure. I would slapped the lighter out of her hand and run screaming from the club like Atreyu fleeing the Southern Oracle.) Despite her abrupt, obvious — and exceedingly clumsy — overtures, Pauly turns her down flat and removes himself from the situation (Situation!). This is, of course, the second time he has dodged the femme fatale, having bid her farewell from the Shore earlier in the summer. On both counts, Pauly D is admittedly a stronger man than I. Without question, I would have capitalized on the moment, thereby sealing my own doom. I’m glad Pauly’s still alive.

(Digression: while everyone else is at Karma, and Danielle is soliciting Israeli punches, the Dynamic Duo of Ronald and Sammitch are back at the house having some quiet time…for once. During this sequence, we get to see Ronald in the confessional announcing that he and Sam “definitely have some trust issues right now.” Really? You have trust issues now? Not last winter in Miami or even last week when she was straight up telling you she doesn’t trust you, but now? That’s some perceptive shit right there, Ron. You’re a damn intuitive genius. Also, given that extremely keen observation regarding your relative lack of trust in one another, sex was probably not the best idea. Next time, try taking a page out of Pauly’s playbook, you retarded gorilla. End digression.)

If that’s not enough for you, don’t forget the grenade horn episode, when Pauly and Situation both bring home girls. Pauly has second thoughts and sends his out the door, but not before Sitch makes a clumsy and ineffectual attempt at a threesome with her and the infamous Ugril Lavigne. In that week’s post, I remarked that I though Pauly’s actions were extreme, since that particular bar slut lady friend was (in my judgment) attractive enough, especially when compared to Ugril. Of course, little did I realize at the time that Pauly doesn’t settle. Got that, ladies? Pauly. Doesn’t. Settle.

Third, consider this: other than Ronald (who doesn’t count because he’s hopelessly enmeshed in Sammitch’s vagina), who is the only Shore guy to hook up with neither Snooki nor The Human Trashbag Angelina? Think about it. I’ll wait. If you came up with DJ Pauly D — which you should have; it’s not a trick question, you jackass — you are correct. (Vinny banged both Snicks and The Staten Island Dump in Miami, while Situation famously hooked up with Snooki in the hot tub in the first season finale and engaged in some disputed amount of sexual activity with The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island in between seasons one and two.)

A friend of mine once charmingly made an analogy comparing hooking up with girls to a buffet. His point was that when he went to a buffet, he didn’t choose just one dish to spend all his time on; rather, he was a fan of variety. He might make a plate of macaroni and cheese, chicken wings, a small salad, maybe even some green Jell-O. Some others take bigger risks, gambling on crab legs or bacon wrapped scallops. Pauly, however, heads straight for the filet, and that’s where he lives his life. He probably doesn’t even go to Ponderosa. If that motherfucker is at a buffet, it’s probably at the Wynn. He’s on top of the buffet world, and he’s not stepping down into the slums for anybody. And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes Pauly D a discerning connoisseur.

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“If it’s in BBM, you musta did him”*

(I know I’m way late with this post. The truth is I fell way behind on some deadlines last week and had to spend all day Friday — when I usually write about Shore — catching up. Then I got sick Friday night — I’m fine, thanks for asking — and didn’t have the energy to put anything decent together. Fortunately there like a dozen trite expressions I can throw in here to justify my radio silence:

Better late then never.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Anticipation is half the fun.
It is what it is.
I smoke rocks.

Take your pick. Either way, today is Monday, this post is about the Shore, and girls have boobies. These are all facts. Take them or leave them.)

Slowly but surely, “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Side Effects Include Nausea, Loss of Vision, and Sudden Drug Addiction; View at Your Own Risk”) is crawling its way back into my good graces. Three weeks ago, I was ready to call it quits, and now we’re… well, we’re somewhere. Right now we’re probably somewhere in the Zach-Braff-and-Natalie-Portman-in-“Garden-State” zone: we know we’re in love with one another, we each recognize that the other is seriously flawed, and now one of us (i.e., me in the role of Andrew Largeman) has to decide whether to return to his normal life or stay and roll the dice on this strange romance that neither of us quite understands. By my estimate, Shore, you’ve got two weeks to convince me not to hop on that plane back to L.A. (Speaking of, all things being equal, who the fuck chooses Jersey over L.A? I get that Natalie Portman is turbo hot, and the dude was miserable in California, but it’s not like she has anything going on back home that she needs to stick around for. She can’t make the trip west with him? Why does there always have to be a realy difficult choice? Just once, can’t someone have their cake and eat Natalie it, too? That’s my only beef with that movie.)

This week’s episode brought us the incomprehensible Uncle Nini, Vinny’s first spray tan, a water balloon fight, and the inevitable return of the Ronald and Samantha demolition derby. These were all secondary issues, however, as one the episode of seeking justice dominated the episode. Throughout the show’s sixty minutes (or like, 44 minutes plus commercials…or whatever), some of our old friends were accused of wrong doing and had to face not only their accusers, but a national audience in the court of public opinion. Let’s recap some of the Shore-ites pleading their cases:

Case No. 1: The People vs. The Situation
The Charges:
Aiding and Abetting a Known Fugitive (2x), Conspiracy to Commit Public Defecation (3x), Obstruction of Justice
Evidence for the Prosecution:
Upon returning to the house from a GTL outing, the girls and Ronnie notice a distinct smell of…shit. Dog feces was discovered in several locations around the house, including on the living room rug. Situation was the only person home during this time, and one of the dogs allegedly smelled of his cologne.
Evidence for the Defense: The defendant, The Situation, a.k.a. The Snitchuation, a.k.a. The Situgaytion, maintains he was asleep at the time of the alleged events. He points out that he was in his bed when the complainants returned home. The defense also presents Exhibit A, the gate used to keep the dogs penned up in JWoww’s room, which has been broken, allowing the dogs free run of the house. The defendant claims it must have been broken by the dogs themselves.
My Take: What kind of mental illness compels someone to willfully let two dogs shit all over their house?  What the fuck is wrong with this man? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
The Verdict: Since Sitch confessed to this one on camera (although not to authorities), a conviction is all but certain. Case closed. Moron.

Case No. 2: The People vs. Roger
The Charges: Fleeing and Eluding, Failure to Put Hand Up On Hip Whilst He Dips You Dip We Dip
Evidence for the Prosection: The complainant, JWoww, alleges that while she was driving along Route 37, she spotted Roger’s car. He then, according to both the complainant and eyewitness testimony, did The Dip, fleeing the scene at a high rate of speed, which obviously means one thing and one thing only: there’s a girl in the car. Clearly it can’t just mean he’s in a hurry.
Evidence for the Defense: He had to get from the gym to his hair appointment in five minutes, so obviously he drove like a reckless maniac rather than: a) leave the gym earlier, or b) reschedule the hair appointment.
My Take: I think the following expert testimony by Sammi says it all: “If you want my honest opinion, that right there looks suspect.” Right. Because if anyone has finely tuned boyfriend suspicion instincts, it’s Sam. Clearly her preternatural powers of perception served her well when Ron was dogging her in Miami, so let’s definitely go with whatever she says on this one. Reminds me of the time our neighbor called the police claiming my brother had blocked his driveway by plowing snow into it, then had his blind girlfriend tell the police that she saw him do it. It should also be noted that Sam later recanted her testimony saying she doesn’t actually know why Rogers was trying to be “cool suave.”
The Verdict: JWoww dropped the charges after realizing the Roger told her he had a hair appointment around that time, hence why he didn’t answer when she called. She added “I feel like an asshole right now.” In a surprise reversal of fortune, JWoww was herself convicted on one count of Jumping to Conclusions Like a Crazy Person and ordered to pay restitution by giving Roger “a little, like, room to breathe from now on.”

Case No. 3: The People vs. Samantha
The Charges: Reckless Texting, Creeping Without Keeping it on the Down Low, Perjury (or Per-Jersey; get it??)
Evidence for the Prosecution: Situation’s friend, Arvin, claims that the defendant has been texting him since she and Ronald broke up, asking Arvin to get together and inviting him to meet her at Karma on the night in question. He presented his BBM log as evidence, as witnessed by both Situation and JWoww. Samantha has not offered an alternate justification for the text messages. According to expert witness JWoww, the evidence “looks pretty bad on Sam’s part.”
Evidence for the Defense: Samantha admits to a pre-existing relationship with Arvin, claiming that the two are friends. She denies trying to arrange a rendezvous at Karma on the night in question. Furthermore, when Samantha confronted Arvin at the time, he offered no further comment. Further defense tactics by Samantha including shouting the word “shady” over and over again at various people over a period of time. (Quick sidebar: Vinny’s “Shaaady, shaaaadyy, aftermath” shtick was dope. I mean, any time you get a chance to quote lyrics from one of Eminem’s worst albums, you gotta do it. The only way it gets better is if Pauly D shouts out “G-G-G-G-G Unit!”…which I fully expected him to do at the time.)
My Take: Just admit that you did it, Sam. You were broken up; you didn’t do anything wrong (although that’s definitely at least a little slutty). It’s way shadier to flatly deny everything and offer no alternative explanation whatsoever than to just confess to hitting up a dude for some strange. It happens, let’s move on. Plus, who can resist a “jacked up Guido MacGyver” (whatever the fuck that means) like Arvin? Seriously, look at that eyebrow. What lady doesn’t love the Joe Flacco look?
The Verdict: According to later testimony from Arvin, the two have made out. The jury will be out until at least next episode, but one thing’s for sure: no matter what the verdict, we’re all going to be sentenced to some interminable fighting by the Tag Team Champions of the World, Ronald and Samantha.

Meanwhile, in the case of me versus a possible flu virus, I’m going to go down some chicken broth and take a nap. See you all on Thursday.

*With apologies to the late Johnnie Cochran.

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I told you so

You know what? It’s Friday night and I don’t feel like writing a post about “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Anyone Who Trusts Any of These Individuals in a Relationship is Seriously Mentally Ill”) right now. Maybe I’ll do one tomorrow– again, if I feel like it. In the mean time, check this out. And remember: I told you so.

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Notable quotables

Last week, I went on at length about how my relationship with “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Future Cinemax Softcore Porn Stars”) was souring, and fast. After Thursday’s episode, I feel a little more confident that we can stay together. After two consecutive atrocious episodes, Shore finally put together a decent performance. At least, the episode made me laugh and left me excited for next week. Let’s not get too happy, though. There’s still work to be done. If Shore and I were a movie couple, we would be Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann in Knocked Up— outwardly, we seem happy and everything is going well, but in a lot of ways we’re just going through the motions. Sex is feeling like a chore, and more and more I find myself looking for ways to be alone, but I lie about it because it’s easier than having a real relationship talk. See? Perfect analogy. It’s even better, because fantasy baseball season is coming up. I’m gonna get Matsui.

We can work on this, Shore. I’m willing to try. I’ll even take you to see the new Spiderman instead of going alone (especially now that the franchise ditched janky Tobey Maguire, who might be my ugliest common denominator), but we still gotta spice things up. And I’ll give you credit, you made up a lot of ground this week by having a really quotable episode. In fact, that’s what we’re gonna focus on this week: quotes. For added fun, see if you can guess who said each quote before reading it in the paragraph below. Here we go! (Ed note: some of these quotes are funny because of mispronunciation. Therefore, when a word is pronounced, I’ve spelled it phonetically. Rather than have me right that pretentious Latin word “sic” after every intentional misspelling, just assume I misspelled it on purpose, based on the original pronunciation. Got that? Good. Now stop being a dick about it.)

Am I dreaming or am I awake?

Who said it? Vinny. Sam has just made her triumphant return, essentially turning Ron’s brain into powder. Ron goes outside to have a cigarette and talk to Pauly, while Sam heads upstairs to greet the Meatballs, leaving Vinny alone in the kitchen with JWoww. You can understand Vinny’s bewilderment here. And speaking of being a little emotionally overwhelmed…

“Hastatic” is, you know, when you’re like super happy and like…really happy.

Who said it? She may be a blast in glass, but an English teacher D Rex is not. While I always appreciate a nice Newspeak-style colloquialism, a la “compisult” and “explanabrag,” if you’re going to make one up, you gotta know how to define. Otherwise you just look like a fucktard. But, based on the way “Jersey Shore” values are weighted, that’s still better than…

You look pale.

Who said it? Good god, you are a bitch, Samantha. You’ve been back for all of 18 seconds and you’re already slinging daggers. This isn’t the last shot she fires at Ron this week, and surprisingly he doesn’t do much to defend himself against any of them. At any point, we could have had an old-fashioned crash test dummy brawl jump off between the two of them, but Ron kept his cool. Or he’s so smitten that he’s gone soft, like Chris Bosh. One of the two. It’s fine, though, because their lack of drama gave us more time for gems like…

Dominican girls are hot because they can dance, they can move, they got tans, they got big butts…

Who said it? Well said, Vinny. My boy Shano agrees wholeheartedly with this sentiment, as do the Black Eyed Peas. It’s like I always say: if liking big asses is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. There are limits, though, as illustrated by this exception to the rule…

The fat one is actually kind of cute.

Who said it? If you think this is one of the dudes whose beer goggles need adjusting, you’re wrong. Apparently Snooki has a thing for plumbers, which is great, because the Shore-ites were in serious need of a good one…

The smell is permanating through the air.

Who said it? Tell me, Sitch, is that when an odor spreads through an area so completely that it stays there forever? “Permanating” sounds like a special technique for preparing meat so that you can be sure the marinade is really soaked in there. The Situgaytion wasn’t the only one taken aback by the offending aroma, however…

I’m choking on the smell. I can taste it in my mouth right now.

Who said it? I only have one question for Ron: did it smell like onions and ketchup? Not to worry though, help is on the way…

Does your buttcrack hang out?

Who said it? Listen, when a girl like is into plumbers, she’s into plumbers. You can’t blame Snooki for being who she is. Totally valid question. Even better, a minute after this line is spoken, we all learn once and for all, that the term “guinea” is frowned upon by the FCC. Who says you can’t learn anything from watching the Shore? Of course, once you’ve removed a garment from your toilet, you obviously want to determine how the fuuuuuuck it got in there in the first place…

Maybe there was an alien planet…and he shot a laser beam through the glass and you got scared, you used the wife beater to cover your eyes, it slipped, you forgot the guinea tee was over there and didn’t want the evidence of the alien, so you put it down the toilet and you flushed it– I got it!”

Who said it? My man Pauly D is a regular Agent Kay over here! Of course, the whole point of that movie was that the government had a secret agency specially designed to conceal the existence of aliens, so Pauly would have to learn to avoid admitting their existence when implanting new memories into people. Still, he’s thinking, and I like that. Of course, not everyone can be as intelligent as Pauly…

You can get something from head? I don’t think you’re correct.

Who said it? I don’t blame Situgaytion for not knowing this; I’m really just upset that the public school system failed him so badly. Oh, and I feel a profound sense of sympathy for every woman (and man– seriously, he’s gay) he has ever conned into his bed. The fact that he knows so little about safe sex should be used as evidence to support the argument supporting evolution. Not that that argument actually needs much support, since it’s a fact, but I digress. As long as we’re on the topic of junk infections…

We also had a woman come in here who had a smell like grated cheese. Does that mean she had an, um, yeast infection?

Who said it? Count on JWoww to do the legwork on research. Honestly, at first I thought that cheese bed prank was a really lame idea, but damn do I stand corrected. Any joke that precipitates a dude kicking a girl out over a smell, then being convinced that she had both an STI and a yeast infection border on epic. I feel a little bad for the girl, but collateral damage is a necessary side effect of any worthwhile strategic offensive. (Side note: that girl was yet another in a string of grenades this season for the Situgaytion. By my count, that’s 4. This is just getting sad now. I need something to cheer me up…)

Are you fully gay?

Who said it? Who but Vinny could be such a G as to say something like this to a girl he just met? Incidentally, her answer justified the question as completely worthwhile. And no, I’m not going to repeat the answer here. Go watch the episode. I can’t do everything around here. And speaking of doing things…

I think you’re hot, but do you wanna do you?

Who said it? Blair, the tall girl Pauly brings home from Aztec. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s a twin killing for Pauly this episode. The combo of him and Vinny is just as devastating as Jordan/Pippen from 1990 to 1997 (excepting Jordan’s brief “retirement” in the middle there). The only difference is that on any given night, either one can be Jordan. And since now I’ve managed to write myself into some weird place where there’s no good segue back to the next quote, let’s move on…

My nipples won’t stay in my shirt!

Who said it? Yet another thing that Snooki has in common with Artemis. The other, presumably, is that they both have bleached assholes.

So, keep on smashing girls?

Who said it? Seriously, Vinny is such a G. SUCH. A. G.

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