Prices so low you’ll masturbate profusely!

Like any shrewd and prudent cheap broke homeless frugal person, I pay close attention to the “free stuff” listings on Craigslist. In fact, I subscribe to the RSS feed via Google Reader to save me the hassle of actually having to type in keystrokes any time I want to shamelessly troll for free shit. I’m not looking for anything in particular; there’s nothing I really want or need that I don’t have. It’s just in case there is some sort of irresistible offer of free treasure that would simply be too sumptuous to pass up. That day, it seems, has come:

Oh happy day! And here I was thinking I would have to forever get my free porn from the Internet, in the comfort of my very own home. But hark! On yonder interwebs is a gentleman who doth promise not only free pornography of an interracial nature, but also free illegal movies I can use to supplement my own collection. (This is absolutely an actual Craigslist post. See the original here.)

Your ad has left me intrigued, dear Sir or Madam, but I must say it rather raises more questions than it answers:

  • Sorry for the outburst. Let’s carry on, shall we? I see that the porn is “black on white,” as you so succinctly describe it, but in which combination? I am a man of particular tastes and therefore demand to know what color labia I can expect to see before I can make a decision.
  • All I have to do is leave you my number and you will call me about this collection of “lots” of porn and “boot legs”? Well then, sketchy Craigslist poster giving away an even sketchier item, I see no reason not to give you my personal contact info. Can I give you my teenage daughter’s number instead? I’m low on minutes and ever since we found out she’s been sleeping around, she’s been grounded to her room, so she’s home anyway. She won’t even be allowed to come with me to pick up my free box o’ porn, so she’ll have to stay home alone. But listen to me, rambling on. Her number is 917…
  • Once we work out the details, I’ll just head on over and meet you in…Georgetown? WTF? Is that a real neighborhood? I’ve lived in Brooklyn for four years and worked with kids and families from all over the borough, and I’ve never even heard of a “Georgetown” before now. I had to Google it, and I’m still not sure where the eff it is. It might be part of Crown Heights…or Brownsville…or Kensington…or Bergen Beach. Way to describe your location in the most obscure way possible, ass hat. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you just bring it over while I’m at work? I’ll leave 10 bucks with my promiscuous teenage daughter to compensate you for the trouble.

To be fair, I can’t blame the guy for his effort. Apparently he wants his life to be porn free, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s been getting increasingly difficult to give away boxes of porn over the last 5 years.

Gotta go. I’m getting a call from a private number…



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2 responses to “Prices so low you’ll masturbate profusely!

  1. You have a teenage daughter?

    Just in case you decided the reward of black on white porn is worth the risk (its a tough decision, I know) here is all the info you need about Georgetown.

  2. Pingback: More Winning in the Craigslist ‘Free’ Section | tiles in a mosaic

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