Pauly D: Discerning Connoisseur

With just one episode to go in the third season of “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “It Could Just Be a Rash…But Probably Not”), the obvious dramatic story line continues to center around Sammitch and the question of whether she dogged Ronald by hitting up another dude when she left the house for a few days. These two epileptic guinea pigs have dominated the entire season like James Spader did to Maggie Gyllenhall in Secretary (boom, obscure analogy!). While I admit their antics have created a necessary amount of drama in the show, my disdain for their ceaseless and pervasive feuding is no secret. That — coupled with my wanting to wait to see what resolution the finale brings — means I won’t be focusing on those two this week. I’m sure you’re heartbroken, and if so, I’m sure you can find another Shore recap to check out, although I doubt it will be so captivating and fulfilling.

Instead, we’re going to talk about a man who has gone remarkably unrecognized lo these two months. This is a man who consistently finds ways to make us all laugh, who never has a cross word to say about anyone, and who requires a power drill to style his hair. Of course, I am talking about the man, the myth, the legend: DJ Pauly D. I was shocked to realize how scant my coverage of Pauly D has been in these (cyber)pages. Sure, I’ve mentioned him here and there, reiterating a witty one-liner or recapping one of his spectacular club pulls, but not once have we paused to really take a deep look at the man behind the blowout. Today, we rectify that. We will learn a little more about Pauly D– and hopefully, in so doing, we will learn just a little more about ourselves. You know, like a zen thing.

Let’s start by taking a look at a few moments of Thursday’s episode. Pauly and Vinny pull their usual twin killing at Aztec, bringing home a girl each. A short time later, the brother of one of the girls shows up, continuing Vinny’s streak of encountering the familial cock block appears to continue, as the brother of one of the girls shows up at the Shore house. Rather than forcibly removing the skanks ladies, however, dude simply offers to give them a ride home — including making himself available to come back the next morning. Pauly realizes he’s no longer down with his selection, and jumps at the opportunity to send her packing, with Vinny following suit. Immediately, two things happened: first, we again get to hear D Rex use the phrase “do sex.” Seriously, does she really think that’s a proper verb/noun pairing? Is that just a thing that she does? Did she lack oxygen during childbirth? I continue to be very concerned. Never mind that for now. Second — and more important — I come to the realization that Pauly D has such exacting standards that he’s willing to boot a sure thing than risk a subpar showing. It’s like he’s been constructed by Japanese auto engineers or German knife makers or something. In hindsight, this isn’t exactly a shocking revelation; in fact, Pauly has a rich history of kicking bitches out the condo like Pam and otherwise dodging questionable hookups.

Take Danielle, for example (although I don’t recommend actually “taking” her, unless you want to wind up on a milk carton). The stalker makes her second appearance of the season in this episode, seemingly materializing over Vinny’s shoulder at Karma. (Anybody else notice that at the moment when Vinny turns around, there’s a quick flash of a flame at the bottom of the screen? It looks like Danielle is flicking a lighter, which of course leads one to ask the question: WHAT. THE. FUCK? I’m amazed that Viper kept his composure. I would slapped the lighter out of her hand and run screaming from the club like Atreyu fleeing the Southern Oracle.) Despite her abrupt, obvious — and exceedingly clumsy — overtures, Pauly turns her down flat and removes himself from the situation (Situation!). This is, of course, the second time he has dodged the femme fatale, having bid her farewell from the Shore earlier in the summer. On both counts, Pauly D is admittedly a stronger man than I. Without question, I would have capitalized on the moment, thereby sealing my own doom. I’m glad Pauly’s still alive.

(Digression: while everyone else is at Karma, and Danielle is soliciting Israeli punches, the Dynamic Duo of Ronald and Sammitch are back at the house having some quiet time…for once. During this sequence, we get to see Ronald in the confessional announcing that he and Sam “definitely have some trust issues right now.” Really? You have trust issues now? Not last winter in Miami or even last week when she was straight up telling you she doesn’t trust you, but now? That’s some perceptive shit right there, Ron. You’re a damn intuitive genius. Also, given that extremely keen observation regarding your relative lack of trust in one another, sex was probably not the best idea. Next time, try taking a page out of Pauly’s playbook, you retarded gorilla. End digression.)

If that’s not enough for you, don’t forget the grenade horn episode, when Pauly and Situation both bring home girls. Pauly has second thoughts and sends his out the door, but not before Sitch makes a clumsy and ineffectual attempt at a threesome with her and the infamous Ugril Lavigne. In that week’s post, I remarked that I though Pauly’s actions were extreme, since that particular bar slut lady friend was (in my judgment) attractive enough, especially when compared to Ugril. Of course, little did I realize at the time that Pauly doesn’t settle. Got that, ladies? Pauly. Doesn’t. Settle.

Third, consider this: other than Ronald (who doesn’t count because he’s hopelessly enmeshed in Sammitch’s vagina), who is the only Shore guy to hook up with neither Snooki nor The Human Trashbag Angelina? Think about it. I’ll wait. If you came up with DJ Pauly D — which you should have; it’s not a trick question, you jackass — you are correct. (Vinny banged both Snicks and The Staten Island Dump in Miami, while Situation famously hooked up with Snooki in the hot tub in the first season finale and engaged in some disputed amount of sexual activity with The Rob Kardashian of Staten Island in between seasons one and two.)

A friend of mine once charmingly made an analogy comparing hooking up with girls to a buffet. His point was that when he went to a buffet, he didn’t choose just one dish to spend all his time on; rather, he was a fan of variety. He might make a plate of macaroni and cheese, chicken wings, a small salad, maybe even some green Jell-O. Some others take bigger risks, gambling on crab legs or bacon wrapped scallops. Pauly, however, heads straight for the filet, and that’s where he lives his life. He probably doesn’t even go to Ponderosa. If that motherfucker is at a buffet, it’s probably at the Wynn. He’s on top of the buffet world, and he’s not stepping down into the slums for anybody. And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes Pauly D a discerning connoisseur.

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