(I know I’m way late with this post. The truth is I fell way behind on some deadlines last week and had to spend all day Friday — when I usually write about Shore — catching up. Then I got sick Friday night — I’m fine, thanks for asking — and didn’t have the energy to put anything decent together. Fortunately there like a dozen trite expressions I can throw in here to justify my radio silence:
Better late then never.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Anticipation is half the fun.
It is what it is.
I smoke rocks.
Take your pick. Either way, today is Monday, this post is about the Shore, and girls have boobies. These are all facts. Take them or leave them.)
Slowly but surely, “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Side Effects Include Nausea, Loss of Vision, and Sudden Drug Addiction; View at Your Own Risk”) is crawling its way back into my good graces. Three weeks ago, I was ready to call it quits, and now we’re… well, we’re somewhere. Right now we’re probably somewhere in the Zach-Braff-and-Natalie-Portman-in-“Garden-State” zone: we know we’re in love with one another, we each recognize that the other is seriously flawed, and now one of us (i.e., me in the role of Andrew Largeman) has to decide whether to return to his normal life or stay and roll the dice on this strange romance that neither of us quite understands. By my estimate, Shore, you’ve got two weeks to convince me not to hop on that plane back to L.A. (Speaking of, all things being equal, who the fuck chooses Jersey over L.A? I get that Natalie Portman is turbo hot, and the dude was miserable in California, but it’s not like she has anything going on back home that she needs to stick around for. She can’t make the trip west with him? Why does there always have to be a realy difficult choice? Just once, can’t someone have their cake and eat
Natalie it, too? That’s my only beef with that movie.)
This week’s episode brought us the incomprehensible Uncle Nini, Vinny’s first spray tan, a water balloon fight, and the inevitable return of the Ronald and Samantha demolition derby. These were all secondary issues, however, as one the episode of seeking justice dominated the episode. Throughout the show’s sixty minutes (or like, 44 minutes plus commercials…or whatever), some of our old friends were accused of wrong doing and had to face not only their accusers, but a national audience in the court of public opinion. Let’s recap some of the Shore-ites pleading their cases:
Case No. 1: The People vs. The Situation
The Charges: Aiding and Abetting a Known Fugitive (2x), Conspiracy to Commit Public Defecation (3x), Obstruction of Justice
Evidence for the Prosecution: Upon returning to the house from a GTL outing, the girls and Ronnie notice a distinct smell of…shit. Dog feces was discovered in several locations around the house, including on the living room rug. Situation was the only person home during this time, and one of the dogs allegedly smelled of his cologne.
Evidence for the Defense: The defendant, The Situation, a.k.a. The Snitchuation, a.k.a. The Situgaytion, maintains he was asleep at the time of the alleged events. He points out that he was in his bed when the complainants returned home. The defense also presents Exhibit A, the gate used to keep the dogs penned up in JWoww’s room, which has been broken, allowing the dogs free run of the house. The defendant claims it must have been broken by the dogs themselves.
My Take: What kind of mental illness compels someone to willfully let two dogs shit all over their house? What the fuck is wrong with this man? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
The Verdict: Since Sitch confessed to this one on camera (although not to authorities), a conviction is all but certain. Case closed. Moron.
Case No. 2: The People vs. Roger
The Charges: Fleeing and Eluding, Failure to Put Hand Up On Hip Whilst He Dips You Dip We Dip
Evidence for the Prosection: The complainant, JWoww, alleges that while she was driving along Route 37, she spotted Roger’s car. He then, according to both the complainant and eyewitness testimony, did The Dip, fleeing the scene at a high rate of speed, which obviously means one thing and one thing only: there’s a girl in the car. Clearly it can’t just mean he’s in a hurry.
Evidence for the Defense: He had to get from the gym to his hair appointment in five minutes, so obviously he drove like a reckless maniac rather than: a) leave the gym earlier, or b) reschedule the hair appointment.
My Take: I think the following expert testimony by Sammi says it all: “If you want my honest opinion, that right there looks suspect.” Right. Because if anyone has finely tuned boyfriend suspicion instincts, it’s Sam. Clearly her preternatural powers of perception served her well when Ron was dogging her in Miami, so let’s definitely go with whatever she says on this one. Reminds me of the time our neighbor called the police claiming my brother had blocked his driveway by plowing snow into it, then had his blind girlfriend tell the police that she saw him do it. It should also be noted that Sam later recanted her testimony saying she doesn’t actually know why Rogers was trying to be “cool suave.”
The Verdict: JWoww dropped the charges after realizing the Roger told her he had a hair appointment around that time, hence why he didn’t answer when she called. She added “I feel like an asshole right now.” In a surprise reversal of fortune, JWoww was herself convicted on one count of Jumping to Conclusions Like a Crazy Person and ordered to pay restitution by giving Roger “a little, like, room to breathe from now on.”
Case No. 3: The People vs. Samantha
The Charges: Reckless Texting, Creeping Without Keeping it on the Down Low, Perjury (or Per-Jersey; get it??)
Evidence for the Prosecution: Situation’s friend, Arvin, claims that the defendant has been texting him since she and Ronald broke up, asking Arvin to get together and inviting him to meet her at Karma on the night in question. He presented his BBM log as evidence, as witnessed by both Situation and JWoww. Samantha has not offered an alternate justification for the text messages. According to expert witness JWoww, the evidence “looks pretty bad on Sam’s part.”
Evidence for the Defense: Samantha admits to a pre-existing relationship with Arvin, claiming that the two are friends. She denies trying to arrange a rendezvous at Karma on the night in question. Furthermore, when Samantha confronted Arvin at the time, he offered no further comment. Further defense tactics by Samantha including shouting the word “shady” over and over again at various people over a period of time. (Quick sidebar: Vinny’s “Shaaady, shaaaadyy, aftermath” shtick was dope. I mean, any time you get a chance to quote lyrics from one of Eminem’s worst albums, you gotta do it. The only way it gets better is if Pauly D shouts out “G-G-G-G-G Unit!”…which I fully expected him to do at the time.)
My Take: Just admit that you did it, Sam. You were broken up; you didn’t do anything wrong (although that’s definitely at least a little slutty). It’s way shadier to flatly deny everything and offer no alternative explanation whatsoever than to just confess to hitting up a dude for some strange. It happens, let’s move on. Plus, who can resist a “jacked up Guido MacGyver” (whatever the fuck that means) like Arvin? Seriously, look at that eyebrow. What lady doesn’t love the Joe Flacco look?
The Verdict: According to later testimony from Arvin, the two have made out. The jury will be out until at least next episode, but one thing’s for sure: no matter what the verdict, we’re all going to be sentenced to some interminable fighting by the Tag Team Champions of the World, Ronald and Samantha.
Meanwhile, in the case of me versus a possible flu virus, I’m going to go down some chicken broth and take a nap. See you all on Thursday.
*With apologies to the late Johnnie Cochran.