Notable quotables

Last week, I went on at length about how my relationship with “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Future Cinemax Softcore Porn Stars”) was souring, and fast. After Thursday’s episode, I feel a little more confident that we can stay together. After two consecutive atrocious episodes, Shore finally put together a decent performance. At least, the episode made me laugh and left me excited for next week. Let’s not get too happy, though. There’s still work to be done. If Shore and I were a movie couple, we would be Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann in Knocked Up— outwardly, we seem happy and everything is going well, but in a lot of ways we’re just going through the motions. Sex is feeling like a chore, and more and more I find myself looking for ways to be alone, but I lie about it because it’s easier than having a real relationship talk. See? Perfect analogy. It’s even better, because fantasy baseball season is coming up. I’m gonna get Matsui.

We can work on this, Shore. I’m willing to try. I’ll even take you to see the new Spiderman instead of going alone (especially now that the franchise ditched janky Tobey Maguire, who might be my ugliest common denominator), but we still gotta spice things up. And I’ll give you credit, you made up a lot of ground this week by having a really quotable episode. In fact, that’s what we’re gonna focus on this week: quotes. For added fun, see if you can guess who said each quote before reading it in the paragraph below. Here we go! (Ed note: some of these quotes are funny because of mispronunciation. Therefore, when a word is pronounced, I’ve spelled it phonetically. Rather than have me right that pretentious Latin word “sic” after every intentional misspelling, just assume I misspelled it on purpose, based on the original pronunciation. Got that? Good. Now stop being a dick about it.)

Am I dreaming or am I awake?

Who said it? Vinny. Sam has just made her triumphant return, essentially turning Ron’s brain into powder. Ron goes outside to have a cigarette and talk to Pauly, while Sam heads upstairs to greet the Meatballs, leaving Vinny alone in the kitchen with JWoww. You can understand Vinny’s bewilderment here. And speaking of being a little emotionally overwhelmed…

“Hastatic” is, you know, when you’re like super happy and like…really happy.

Who said it? She may be a blast in glass, but an English teacher D Rex is not. While I always appreciate a nice Newspeak-style colloquialism, a la “compisult” and “explanabrag,” if you’re going to make one up, you gotta know how to define. Otherwise you just look like a fucktard. But, based on the way “Jersey Shore” values are weighted, that’s still better than…

You look pale.

Who said it? Good god, you are a bitch, Samantha. You’ve been back for all of 18 seconds and you’re already slinging daggers. This isn’t the last shot she fires at Ron this week, and surprisingly he doesn’t do much to defend himself against any of them. At any point, we could have had an old-fashioned crash test dummy brawl jump off between the two of them, but Ron kept his cool. Or he’s so smitten that he’s gone soft, like Chris Bosh. One of the two. It’s fine, though, because their lack of drama gave us more time for gems like…

Dominican girls are hot because they can dance, they can move, they got tans, they got big butts…

Who said it? Well said, Vinny. My boy Shano agrees wholeheartedly with this sentiment, as do the Black Eyed Peas. It’s like I always say: if liking big asses is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. There are limits, though, as illustrated by this exception to the rule…

The fat one is actually kind of cute.

Who said it? If you think this is one of the dudes whose beer goggles need adjusting, you’re wrong. Apparently Snooki has a thing for plumbers, which is great, because the Shore-ites were in serious need of a good one…

The smell is permanating through the air.

Who said it? Tell me, Sitch, is that when an odor spreads through an area so completely that it stays there forever? “Permanating” sounds like a special technique for preparing meat so that you can be sure the marinade is really soaked in there. The Situgaytion wasn’t the only one taken aback by the offending aroma, however…

I’m choking on the smell. I can taste it in my mouth right now.

Who said it? I only have one question for Ron: did it smell like onions and ketchup? Not to worry though, help is on the way…

Does your buttcrack hang out?

Who said it? Listen, when a girl like is into plumbers, she’s into plumbers. You can’t blame Snooki for being who she is. Totally valid question. Even better, a minute after this line is spoken, we all learn once and for all, that the term “guinea” is frowned upon by the FCC. Who says you can’t learn anything from watching the Shore? Of course, once you’ve removed a garment from your toilet, you obviously want to determine how the fuuuuuuck it got in there in the first place…

Maybe there was an alien planet…and he shot a laser beam through the glass and you got scared, you used the wife beater to cover your eyes, it slipped, you forgot the guinea tee was over there and didn’t want the evidence of the alien, so you put it down the toilet and you flushed it– I got it!”

Who said it? My man Pauly D is a regular Agent Kay over here! Of course, the whole point of that movie was that the government had a secret agency specially designed to conceal the existence of aliens, so Pauly would have to learn to avoid admitting their existence when implanting new memories into people. Still, he’s thinking, and I like that. Of course, not everyone can be as intelligent as Pauly…

You can get something from head? I don’t think you’re correct.

Who said it? I don’t blame Situgaytion for not knowing this; I’m really just upset that the public school system failed him so badly. Oh, and I feel a profound sense of sympathy for every woman (and man– seriously, he’s gay) he has ever conned into his bed. The fact that he knows so little about safe sex should be used as evidence to support the argument supporting evolution. Not that that argument actually needs much support, since it’s a fact, but I digress. As long as we’re on the topic of junk infections…

We also had a woman come in here who had a smell like grated cheese. Does that mean she had an, um, yeast infection?

Who said it? Count on JWoww to do the legwork on research. Honestly, at first I thought that cheese bed prank was a really lame idea, but damn do I stand corrected. Any joke that precipitates a dude kicking a girl out over a smell, then being convinced that she had both an STI and a yeast infection border on epic. I feel a little bad for the girl, but collateral damage is a necessary side effect of any worthwhile strategic offensive. (Side note: that girl was yet another in a string of grenades this season for the Situgaytion. By my count, that’s 4. This is just getting sad now. I need something to cheer me up…)

Are you fully gay?

Who said it? Who but Vinny could be such a G as to say something like this to a girl he just met? Incidentally, her answer justified the question as completely worthwhile. And no, I’m not going to repeat the answer here. Go watch the episode. I can’t do everything around here. And speaking of doing things…

I think you’re hot, but do you wanna do you?

Who said it? Blair, the tall girl Pauly brings home from Aztec. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s a twin killing for Pauly this episode. The combo of him and Vinny is just as devastating as Jordan/Pippen from 1990 to 1997 (excepting Jordan’s brief “retirement” in the middle there). The only difference is that on any given night, either one can be Jordan. And since now I’ve managed to write myself into some weird place where there’s no good segue back to the next quote, let’s move on…

My nipples won’t stay in my shirt!

Who said it? Yet another thing that Snooki has in common with Artemis. The other, presumably, is that they both have bleached assholes.

So, keep on smashing girls?

Who said it? Seriously, Vinny is such a G. SUCH. A. G.


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