Shots fired

As opposed to last week, when I vehemently refused to talk about Sammitch and Ron, this week’s post will be entirely about them. I can’t help it; their dumpster fire of a breakup this week (spoiler alert!) was just too effing good. It may have been the best episode of “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Seriously, You Would Be Waaayyyy Better Off Reading a Book”) EVER. It was so amazingly horrible that I actually felt twangs of guilt watching it. I laughed, I cried, I drank heavily, I prayed…it all adds up to those two meriting the lion’s share (anyone actually know where that phrase comes from?) of the attention this week. Also, I’ll be referring to them in the same manner they address one another. That is, by their full names —  Ronald and Samantha — just like everyone’s mom used to do when she was seriously pissed. Well, except my mom, for two reasons: 1, my name doesn’t get any longer, and 2, I never upset my mother. Which, of course, makes me better than you. Deal with it.

Ronald and Samantha have spent just about the entire season — not to mention a good chunk of last season — feuding, and this episode was the culmination. Just like every overdue breakup in history, it played out like a battle. Go ahead and get some Pat Benatar going to accompany while you read. Always helps me.

Opening salvo. Ronald gets an early start by telling Samantha first thing in the morning that what she said during their argument the night before as uncalled for. She does her usual “let me talk to you” routine, and he declares for approximately the 900th time that he’s “done talking.” We’re off and running!

Preparation and recon. Situation, seeming well-intentioned but at least a little skeevy, consoles Samantha and advises her to leave Ronald, tell her that “it’s never gonna get better” and she should “move forward.” Ronald happens to be in the bathroom and overhears the whole thing. Being the juicehead that he is, Ronald immediately overreacts. He takes the whole thing to mean that Situation is trying to play both sides and therefore has sold out his boy, sacrilegiously invoking the guy code. So, of course Ronald does the logical thing and confronts Sitch right then, so as to express his feelings and resolve the problem immediately. Oh wait– no he doesn’t. Instead, he says nothing to Sitch, calls him “a little bitch” in the confessional, then whines to Pauly and D Rex about it. Well played, sir. If anything Sitch did merits him being called a bitch, it was that awkward hug he forced on Samantha. It looked like a koala attacking a reluctant eucalyptus branch.

Return volley. Pauly and D Rex take Ronald and Samantha to the boardwalk separately to take their mind off of things. Again, I know nothing about how large Seaside or its boardwalk are (nor do I want to risk a trip to New Jersey to find out), but wouldn’t it have been a good idea to not take these two crash test dummies TO THE SAME PLACE? Pauly and Ronald couldn’t have gone to the gym? D Rex and Samantha couldn’t have gotten their nails done? No? They all had to go in two separate groups to place where they would inevitably encounter one another? The evidence for this show being scripted is mounting, and it pains me.

The dudes go on some rides and the girls settle in at a bar. Shortly thereafter, the dudes walk by said bar, and I FUCKING TOLD YOU THEY WOULD RUN INTO EACH OTHER. How was that not obvious?? Ugh. As the Lovebirds of Death exchange awkward waves in passing, Samantha is convinced that Ronald was with a girl (psyyyyyycho), so she immediately invokes a harem of dudes from the far reaches of the bar and initiates Operation: Dicktease. This is a classic maneuver. It’s an aggressive course of action and, if done properly, can cause an impressive amount of devastation. However, there are two problems here. One, Ronald wasn’t with a girl. Samantha just happens to be delusionally crazytown, and thought she saw a girl. He was with Pauly, who should be offended that Samantha just violated like that. Two — and this is important — Ronald wasn’t around to witness her routine. This is a short-range attack, people. It is predicated on causing psychological pain to the target, and therefore it only works when your target is close by to see that you’re being a whore. Wasted ammo, Samantha.

Consolidation of allies. Back at the house, Ronald is looking for Situation so he can call him out from that morning. Again, instead of handling it one-on-one with Situation like a grownass (had to add that word to my spell check) man would do, he talks about it over and over in front of the whole house, argues with Samantha for a bit, then when Sitch walks in the door, he immediately calls him out in front of everyone with a dickhead comment. Not a great strategist, that Ronald. I feel like he’d be the type of football coach who would just sling it deep every time and be amazed when the defense figured out his game plan. The ensuing argument is disappointingly and predictably anticlimactic, and ends with Sitch apologizing…and hugging Ronald…and kissing Ronald…because Sitch is gay.

(Anyone catch the promo for “Real World” in Vegas? How about this little chestnut from that spot: “Nadia’s totally attracted to my bad boy personality. Once she finds out I was in juvie, she’s just gonna like me even more.” Wow. Just wow. I’ve spent some time in juvie for work — you know, in my past life — and trust me, there is absolutely NOTHING attractive about being in juvie. A girl who’s attracted to the idea of someone spending time in juvie is a girl who’s probably also into pulling the goalie, if you catch my drift. That guy should watch his ass or he’ll wind up in a shotgun wedding.)

The Battle of Seaside. After Samantha and Ronald have their millionth “I want to yell at you about things you did a while ago because I’m too immature to process them any other way” conversation (highlight: “I had a reason to cheat on you in Miami!” Huh?) and Ronald once again confirms that they’re done, they go their separate ways to hang out with their respective groups.

Ronald returns to get something out of the closet, and Samantha asks what he’ll do if a girl comes up to him. He gives a predictable (and honest!) answer. In the words of Rage Against the Machine, “and then came the shots.”

This is the part where I simultaneously felt captivated and guilty. You know when you break up with someone and you spend the next month of your life mentally reciting all the terrible things you want to say to them, because you think only then will they feel as awful as you do? Have that happen out loud and sped up to fit in about a 10 minute window. Now throw in the five vapid friends halfheartedly trying to break the fight up, put the whole thing on TV, and you’ve got Samantha and Ronald.

He loudly and publicly calls shotgun on the smush room. She tells him he’s not worth the tears she’s crying. He starts taking her stuff out of the closet and throwing it across the room. The entire house tries to intervene as they keep yelling at each other. Ronald shuts himself in the smush room. Samantha, running on fumes and out of creative verbal daggers to throw, resorts simply to, “I hate you!” Ronald fires a retort of “you useless spoiled bitch.” Finally the guys are able to get the two separated.

In their separate corners, Samantha tells Deena she can’t keep living with a “psycho” like Ronald. Almost on cue, Ronald takes it upon himself to empty her share of their bedroom’s contents onto the porch. That man needs some therapy. In fact, after watching that scene, I’ll take some for myself. I think I have PTSD after that. My heart can’t continue to take this, Shore. Oh, and in case you missed it, Pauly had the quote of the episode just before the brawl jumped off: “They’re talking about fucking relationships, and my sneakers are dirty!” My man’s got priorities.

With the Wonder Twins separated, and each group going out separately, there’s a break in the action as each camp regroups and mobilizes. One problem: again, the two groups go out TO THE SAME PLACE. Am I the only one who realizes what a bad idea this is? Am I talking to myself over here? Although, on the girls’ part this may have been strategic, as Samantha soon initiates…

Operation: Dicktease II. She mounts her final offensive, vowing that she will “get Ron back, the best way I know how.” Her strategy is sound and her execution is effective, albeit not exactly elegant. She climbs up — on the bar? Stage? Table? What was that? — and repeatedly declares that she needs “a hot fucking guy right now!” Stay classy, Samantha.

Ronald tries his best to keep his shit together as the newly-single girl whom he still loves grinds her ass on a pasty douchebag. It looks fucking brutal, but I can’t say I feel bad for the dude. You called the tune, Ronald. Now it’s time to pay the piper. In the end, he concedes this round and leaves Aztec, but not before firing off one last “fuck you.”

Slash and Burn. Back at the house, Ronald continues to throw shit around. He throws her bed out on to the porch, declaring, “you wanna be a dog, sleep outside like a dog.” Does he have any other moves? Can he express his anger in any other way? This is like the fourth time in three episodes he’s resorted this routine, which basically amounts to a child’s tantrum. He’s either out of ideas, or has ambitions on a career as very specific kind of mover.

Parlay. Samantha, who expected Ronald to have continued his swath of destruction in her absence, is nonetheless still surprised at how far he went this time. She finds her broken glasses and tracks Ronald down, crying. When she confronts Ronald, he uses Operation: Dicktease II (well, not that exact terminology) to justify himself. You know, because that’s totally logical. You dance with someone, I destroy all your worldly possession. Quid pro quo, bitches. More arguing blah blah Sam belches blah blah you’re a piece of shit blah blah respect blah blah.

It’s clear we’re approaching the end here. Both sides are weary and battle-worn; they can’t keep this up much longer.

Exit strategy. Samantha decides she has to leave, announcing her decision privately. She talks first to the girls, then Vinnie, then Pauly. Situation? Well, he gets a nice “I’m leaving, Mike” in passing. His disingenuous reply indicates that the koala hug they shared earlier did not exactly make them best friends. When Vin leaks the news to Ronald, he tries to convince Samantha to stay, although apparently his plan was to repeatedly command her to “sit.” He’s taking this dog analogy too far.

Surrender. In the first moment all season that they haven’t spent fighting with one another, Ronald tells Samantha that he’s willing to let her go. One last “CABSAREHERE”  and Samantha takes off. In the confessional, Ronald says, “I miss her, I love her, and I regret everything bad I’ve ever done.” I think we can safely file that one under “too little, too late.” Where was that last season, you knucklehead?

There you have it. Samantha’s gone. As maybe her biggest detractor, I feel like I should be pretty pleased, but really I’m pretty ambivalent. I mean, the bitch is certifiable, and she looks like a human candle, but I can’t help but feel just a little less whole inside.

…OK, that passed. Fuck that bitch. I hope Ronald leaves next week, too. I’m getting tired of spelling out “Ronald” every time. Stupid self-imposed rules. I hope to God this means we’ll finally get some more run from Vinnie. That guy’s more underutilized than MySpace.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Shots fired

  1. Seth from NJ

    Seaside’s boardwalk is about 1.5miles. That just some knowledge for your canadian ass!

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