A Beginner’s Guide to Tiles in a Mosaic for Beginners, but Not From the Beginning

Over the last (and first) month of Tiles in a Mosaic, I’ve been delighted to see our readership grow. We keep getting more hits from more places, more e-mail subscribers (*cough*there’s a box to the right*cough*), and more Twitter followers (@tilesinamosaic…just sayin’), all of which makes me both extremely excited and a little concerned about how we’re all choosing to spend our time. Let’s not focus on that though; after all, I spend my time pounding on a keyboard in a child-like fashion until some semi-sensical phonemes come out, and you spend your time pretending to care about said phonemes. The rest can be left to the philosophers.

Of course, that means we’ve garnered a lot of new readers over the last 5+ weeks, and therefore we should make sure everyone feels comfortable. Well, not “comfortable,” per se. A feeling of comfort just means people will be even more shocked when I inevitably offend them (did you hear the one about Ben Roethlisberger and Kobe Bryant’s joint Halloween party? Too soon?), so maybe we just want people to feel…acquainted. With a healthy bit of suspicion. And maybe just a little nauseous. Yeah, that’s perfect.

To that end, I present to all of you, “A Beginner’s Guide to Tiles in a Mosaic for Beginners, but Not From the Beginning.”

Chapter 1: Who writes this crap?
That would be me. And you’re welcome.

Chapter 2: Why do you look like a terrorist?
It was a long month, OK? I don’t always have time to shave my beard. Also, I don’t care about my appearance. I sit at a laptop all day. I’m also very lonely. I wonder if all these things are related…

Chapter 3: What is this about?
Good question. Essentially, posts on this blog fall into 3 general topic categories: “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “Wanna Bet Rates of Skin Cancer Among 40-year-olds Will Quintuple Over the Next 20 Years?“), general nonsense that wastes everyone’s time, and whining (also see: here and here). You may notice there is quite a bit of overlap there. You are smart. You should draw a Venn diagram on your graphing calculator so everyone knows how smart you are. To be fair, every once in a while something will go up that is actually relevant to things that are happening in the universe. Don’t expect them, though. You’ll only be disappointed.

Chapter 4: Why should I read this?
Really, you shouldn’t. But if you do, it’s because you’re apparently into things like laughing at the misfortune of others and comparing celebrities (term used loosely) to various creatures…all of which makes you at least a little pathological. But you’re probably also fun to hang out with, so you’ve got that going for you. At least that makes one of us.

Chapter 5: I’m from New Jersey.
Yikes. I’m sorry. But it’s nice to see that you speak English! Please don’t injure me.

Chapter 6: Can I share this with my friends?
Certainly! To do so, you can ‘like’ our Facebook page, follow us on Twitter, or share individual posts on either of the aforementioned social cancer media sites by clicking the little buttons at the bottom.
(Disclaimer: sharing Tiles in a Mosaic with your friends may cause people to question your taste and/or judgment. Neither Tiles in a Mosaic nor nosleeptil can be held responsible for cold shoulders, silent treatments, grueling conversations with significant others about your lack of maturity, and/or loss of friends. Use at our own risk.)

Chapter 7: Please stop using this awful ‘chapter’/FAQ gimmick.
OK.

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