As you may or may not have noticed, I get really excited for “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “We Make Your Relationships Look Infinitely More Functional”). I’m not talking about getting-an-extra-fortune-cookie-in-your-Chinese-takeout excited, I mean more like about-to-lose-your-virginity excited. Just waaayyy too pumped. Excitement to the point of being unhealthy and possibly indicative of some sort of psychopathology. I guess, “I look forward to the show a lot” would really be the main thesis of what I’m trying to convey to you here. This week, though, I found myself feeling very subdued throughout. Now, that may be the Shore’s fault, or it may not. This wasn’t an especially noteworthy episode, so that could be it. I also started doing P90X at 7:00am every morning like a militant crazy person, so the effort it took to keep my eyes open through the whole thing could have played into it. One thing I know for sure, though: this Ronald & Sammitch shit did not help. I swear to god if I have to put up with any more of their coma-inducing histrionics– you know what? We’re just not going to talk about it. I hereby decree that for the rest of the post, there will be no more mention of Ronald & Sammitch. This is a little unfortunate, because it means we don’t get to talk about Ronald’s (I’m exclusively calling him “Ronald” now) butthole problem, but we get the added advantages of fewer words and my decreased desire to slam my head directly forward onto my desk until I lose consciousness. I feel like that’s a good trade off. Glad we agree.
Like I said, this was not a particularly noteworthy episode, save for one aspect. There were lots of, shall we say “house guests,” this episode. (Didn’t get that euphemism? What I mean is our friends seemed to make quite a few new friends. Didn’t catch that one either? Well, let’s say there seemed to be an inordinate number of pulls this particular week. Still no? Fine: people be fuckin’. That better? You feel happy now that I’ve reduced everything to the lowest common denominator with my base use of the English language? Damn.) In fact, by my count everyone in the house (or at least, the only ones we’re talking about today) brought someone home at some point. Don’t agree? Well, I’m about enumerate each one in overly meticulous detail for you. Then you’ll agree, by god.
Let’s start with Vinny, since his is the simplest. The first time they went to Karma (as in, still there from where we left off last week), Viper asked some random smoking hot girl if she was “OK to chill.” She went home with him. That’s about all we get out of that. Another day at the office from Vinny. He’s like the Malcolm Gladwell of this show. Doesn’t draw a lot of attention to himself, quietly goes about moving from one piece of work to the next, and every time you hear about something he did you know it’s gonna be a masterpiece. Think about it, someone says to you, “Malcolm Gladwell’s new book came out yesterday,” you probably say something like, “Really? Gotta check that out.” Alternatively, someone says, “Vinny brought a girl home on the Shore last night,” you probably respond, “Yeah? Bet she was bangin’.” See? Perfect. I’m now condemned to writer’s hell for comparing a genius like Gladwell to a Shore cast member. (Sorry, Malcolm!)
JWoww of course brought home Roger that same night. Ho-hum. I guess this one is the simplest. My bad. On a related JWoww note, I think I reached my sexual peak when she was trying on that outfit in the sex store. I can feel my pulse quickening just writing about it. I’m also terrified she’ll eat my soul. Still: worth it.
The second time they went to Karma (for a total of 3 this episode; possibly a record), some guy’s friends meet the group out. (I forget which guy those dudes know. His name escapes me for some reason. Ah, maybe I’ll remember later.) Deena falls in Shore love with this dude Dario, which of course made me think of what the result of sex between Daria from “Beavis and Butthead” (and her own show, I know) and Super Mario would be. You should think about that too. And if you’re any good with Photoshop, create a mashup and send it to me. I want to see if it matches what’s in my brain. Even though D Rex takes this dude home, she insists that she won’t sleep with him on the first night (and I quote): “It’s not Halloween; I’m not handing out candy for free. Like, you need a Golden Ticket to get into these drawers!” (Somewhere, Roald Dahl is smiling.) This policy is henceforth voided about 48 seconds later, when D discloses that she did, in fact, bang him. (Aside: has anyone else noticed D Rex’s use of the verb “to do” when talking about sex? For example, in this episode, she tells Dario, “I haven’t done sex in like…3 months.” Last episode, she asked JWoww if she was going “to do sex.” Is this just a quirky little individual colloquialism, or does she really think that’s the terminology? It’s either cute, or a possible indicator of a dangerously low IQ. Let’s keep an eye on this.)
Pauly D managed 2 pulls, although neither one is particularly exciting. On the first Karma trip, he brings home some chick with long ass braids. Or maybe he didn’t. He was definitely dancing with her, and I feel like we saw her in the house later. Or maybe not. It doesn’t much matter. Pauly’s still a G. On the last trip, however (the one where it was just MVP+D. Some other bitch was supposed to come, but she canceled at the last second. I forget who or why. Maybe she died or something. Whatever.), Pauly is revisited by Danielle, a.k.a. The Stalker. That’s the same chick who followed Pauly all around the Shore in Season 1 and threw a drink on him at the club a few weeks ago. For some reason, on this particular night, she decides she’s done being a crazy asshole and the two make nice. She ends up going back to the house with the group, where she and Pauly definitively do not hook up. Instead, Vinny (and to a lesser extent, Pauly) spends the entire remainder of the night going in on Danielle. A few highlights from Vinny’s repertoire include referring to her as a “stage 5 clinger” and making his stork joke (which seemed like a stretch to me). His funniest moment, though, was when he deadpanned, “You’re the last person I ever expected to see in this house.” Go back and watch it again. Dying. Danielle eventually leaves, Pauly proclaims that all is right with the world.
(I can’t help but want an “I ❤ Jewish girls” shirt. For those of you keeping track at home, my wish list now includes that, a new chair, and a Photoshopped image of the offspring of Daria and Super Mario. Get to work, people. I must be appeased.)
That, of course, brings us to Situation. I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. We’ve already discussed my theory on why he does the things he does, and he did not make matters any better last week with the Ugril Lavigne fiasco (great name for a band). This week, he brought home two grenades on two separate occasions. At least, I think it was two. They were both ugly in pretty much exactly the same way, so it’s possible it was the same girl. Let’s just say it was the same girl two times: mousy, scrawny, weird face, ridiculous hair. I didn’t actually get a good look at her hair the first time through, but the second time– yikes. She looked like David Bowie in Labyrinth. And, of course, neither time is there any indicator of sex whatsoever. The first night, Sitch and the girls stayed in his bed in the full triple room he shares with…someone or other. My boy Shano observed that they never really show banging on the Shore, so there’s no way to really know. He’s right, of course; this isn’t Cinemax. (Note to MTV: sell the show to Cinemax. Make my life complete.) But still, there’s always some kind of implicit scene, or some innuendo, or just an outright admission. For example, that Canadian chick Sitch hooked up with in Miami. The one whose sexy time noises rebounded out of the smush room and echoed throughout the house. That was one time we, as viewers, knew that some people were doing some sex. Since I’ve yet to see anything like that this season, I must maintain my position: Situation’s gay. And the documentation is mounting…unlike Situation.
Last — but by no means least — is Snooki. I saved this one because it was the biggest disaster. It’s your typical American love story: girl meets boy in a club, girl brings boy back to her place, girl starts menstruating, boy and girl go to bed unfulfilled. The next morning, Jeff (the boy, obvi) is still hanging around. (We call this a linger, people. Never linger. You wanna see him/her again, go right ahead…just not right then. Go home, shower, go on with your day, and come back to the situation at a later time. The linger never works out right, as we will soon observe.) Jeff and Snooki head to the boardwalk, where things start out fun and then quickly go awry — shocker! Jeff starts unloading his entire life story: the virgin he dated for three years, his stint in the Army, his engagement which may or may not have been an actual engagement but there was definitely a promise ring involved…holy Jebus, slow down there, buddy. These are not exactly the types of details to be unloading on the chick you picked up at the club less than 12 hours ago. Even I know that, and I suck at forming relationships. (One time I was talking to this girl who was a bass player in the band I had just seen. She was clearly into me, so of course when she told me she had no other job, I replied, “You mean you’re a professional musician? Wow, you must be poor!” Even still, I knew this Jeff character was fucking up.) Snooki immediately starts freaking out about the implications of his engagement. Is he still engaged? Does he have a kid? Does he have an STD? Is he marri– wait, pause. Did she really wonder about the STD thing? Are rates of STDs higher in dudes who spend multiple years engaged to virgins? Just curious.
Like a reasonable person, Snicks tell Jeffbag that she doesn’t want to see him again. Like a completely unreasonable and slightly unhinged person, Jeffbag responds to this by repeatedly calling the house to try to talk to her. On the first try, Snooki tells him to fuck off. On the next attempt, he gets Pauly, who goes through a fake voicemail system routine, which Jeff obviously falls for because he’s clearly a fucking moron. Not to be denied, however, he takes one more shot at it. Pauly again answers, but pretends it’s a pizza place. You would think after all this, culminating in the fake answer, Jeff would get the hint. You, of course, would be wrong. Instead, Jeff goes with it, saying he wants to order “an apology pizza” for Nicole. Wow. Dear god this guy is an amateur. Who gets that infatuated with Snooki anyway? I mean, I love the girl, but there’s no way I’m making an ass out of myself in front of Pauly D over it, let alone the TV audience. Is he after her money? Is he gay and just really needs a beard? Maybe he just hates unfinished business. I know I do. Either way, he played this wrong from the jump. That’s just science.
See? Totally subdued. You can tell I’m not excited because I only wrote 2000 words this week. OK, fine. I’m super excited. I can’t wait for next week, when apparently we get to see more drama from…someone. It’s two people. I forget which. Guess we’ll find out next week!