After all, it’s me and the King and the Mamba*

(Note: today’s post is dedicated to the winner of Tiles in Mosaic’s blog topic contest, Twitter follower @rook81. He replied on Twitter with the idea “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” I feel inclined to tell you that I in no way agree with this opinion. Not because I think Kobe is awesome, but because they’re both douchebags. They’re both also really really good at basketball. My favorite player is, of course, the great Kurt Rambis. I’m a sucker for rec specs. But, rules are rules, and this topic won fair and square, so without further ado, here goes nothing.)

Reason #1 “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” — He’s a better teammate.
From the very start LeBron’s career, his passing ability and his unusual (for a superstar) desire to get his teammates involved were revered by coaches, scouts, fans, and Bernie Mac. LeBron was billed as being different from the other huge stars we had seen before. Why? One simple reason: he passed. I don’t mean like Jordan-to-Paxton-one-time; LeBron was known for making the right basketball play each time he had the ball in his hands, even if that meant his own scoring numbers took a hit because he dished it to a teammate. Little did we know, however, just how unselfish LeBron really was. We never expected that he would be so willing to let his teammates win glory that he would disappear for an entire game. (“The spotlight? On me? Not this time, guys. You take over. You deserve it for being such a swell group. And while we’re at it, anyone wanna bang my mom?”) If Bernie Mac were still with us today, he’d be proud to be a quitn witness to the superbly unselfish player LeBron has become…not like that Bryant character.

Reason #2 “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” — He has a better catch phrase
This one’s simple. “Taking my talents to South Beach” is my favorite euphemism for masturbation ever, edging out the long-time champ, “turning japanese.” As for Kobe, does he even have a catch phrase? The only thing I could think of off the top of my head was “tell me how my ass tastes,” and he didn’t even say that– that was Shaq calling Kobe out. Get with it, Kobe. Stop playing second fiddle and inadvertently use your douchiness for something useful, like LeBron did. When you make it easier for us to publicly talk about flogging the dolphin, I’ll reconsider you. Until then, LeBron will always have one up on you…unless you wanna bang his mom.

Reason #3 “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” — He has a better nickname
Wait, this isn’t right. “King James” doesn’t hold a candle to “Black Mamba.” My mistake; I was distracted thinking about banging Lebron’s mom.

Reason #4 “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” — He’s better at alienating an entire city & fan base
Hands down. I shouldn’t even have to explain this one. Oh, I do? You don’t get it? Really? Sigh. OK.

Try as he might, Kobe just can’t seem to keep L.A. fans from liking him. He’s tried giving curt answers and making asshole faces at press conferences— didn’t work. (Seriously, why do journalists keep asking him questions? It seems so unpleasant. Can’t we just collectively ignore him? At least Randy Moss was entertaining when he was being a dick to the press. Kobe’s just aloof and annoying.) Even after the accusations of sexual assault, L.A. fans welcomed him back (after a while). Now, with the Lakers playing poorly and Kobe telling the press he “doesn’t give a shit,” I’ll still be willing to bet that the L.A. faithful rally behind him. At least, to the extent that L.A. sports fans — and Los Angelans (right?) — rally in general. You know, when they can be bothered. Right after sending this text message.

LeBron, on the other hand, managed with just five words to gut the whole city of Cleveland. No small feat, because Cleveland is pretty used to being gutted. The fact that he was able to do it without the whole population of Ohio seeing it coming was amazing. That’s some covert ops-level shit. And he didn’t just hurt their feelings, he inspired the closest thing to genuine hatred I’ve ever seen toward an athlete– and that includes O.J.! They burned his jersey in effigy. They made a viral video mocking his new commercial — and his whole career. Even the owner of his former team fired off a diatribe — in Comic Sans, no less! And he’s not getting those fans back. Trust. Even he lets them bang his mom (probably NSFW, depending on where you work. Like, it’s probably cool at The Onion or some place awesome like that. ‘Bout it, though.), Cleveland won’t take LeBron back.

Reason #5 “why Lebron is better than Kobe!” — He refrains from supporting violence in Africa
No championships = no rings = no diamonds = no blood diamonds. And you thought he couldn’t win. Don’t be silly; it’s a political choice. He’s making a statement. Much like the statement Delonte West made by banging Lebron’s mom.

There you have it everybody, the definitive truth: LeBron > Kobe. Special thanks to @rook81 for today’s topic!

(*With apologies to Manchester Orchestra.)

http://twitter.com/rook81