Yesterday, I was talking to someone close to me (like, emotionally…not geographically) who wondered aloud why I write about something as inane as “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “The Best Part is That These People Would All Still be Doing These Same Things in Different Places, Even if This Show Didn’t Exist”). My response? Well, I don’t know what “inane” means, so I didn’t have one.
Seriously though, writing about the Shore is hard. I watch every episode at least twice, take notes, then spend about two hours plugging away at my laptop. I spend a good 4 hours or more per week on Shore posts alone, and at the end of each one, I think I’m a little dumber. And I hate myself a little more. Wait a minute, he’s right. Why do I write about this? Oh right: this show is awesome. That’s why. That being said, I found episode 5 disappointing, especially after the epic pile of win that was episode 4. But, that didn’t stop me from writing over 2000 words on it! Peep the full recap:
1: L.I.E. (See what they did there? Cause it’s the Long Island Expressway, which is the route Jenni & Nicole took to J’s house, but it also spells “lie.” As in, to be dishonest. Get it? It’s like a pun. Or something.)
JWoww and Snooki are still at J’s house, cleaning up the aftermath of Tom’s departure. JWoww decides she needs to change the locks. That = good idea. However, she decides that she and Nicole should do it themselves. That = bad idea. Why on Earth would they do that? Aren’t they millionaires now? Hire a damn locksmith. Things like this lend credibility to the theory that the show is scripted. There is literally no reason for them to go DIY style unless MTV told them to in order to generate some extra content. And that breaks my fragile, naive little heart.
Meanwhile, at the house, Ryder shows up for a visit. She’s greeted by Vinny (awk-ward…) and is disappointed to see Snicks is not around. Deena pinch hits and takes her under her wing as the replacement Snooki. Anyone who doesn’t understand my attraction to Ryder (and I have indeed been questioned), watch the “Margaritas” confessional with her and D Rex in this part of the show. Tell me the way she says “mar-ga-ree-tas!” doesn’t ignite something in you. Still nothing, huh? Whatever. I don’t need to defend myself to you.
Memorable quote: “Snooki gave me strict instructions: ‘Do not have sex with Ryder,’ so I really don’t know what to do at this point.” (Here’s a hint, Vin: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH RYDER.)
Fun activity: Fuck/marry/kill. Snooki, Deena, Ryder. Go. (My answer? I feel like I have to fuck Deena at least once in my life. After all, she’s a “blast in a glass.” But she’s certainly not wife material. You know who is? Ryder. Sorry, Snicks, I love you, but you gotta die.)
The question I’m still asking: How have D Rex and Ryder not met before now? Aren’t they Snooki’s two closest friends? Wouldn’t they at least have crossed paths at some point? I mean, I can’t even seem to prevent any of my exes from meeting any of the others, so how have those two worlds not collided? Is Snooki smarter than me? Yikes.
Snooki and JWoww return to the Shore house, much to Ryder’s delight. Mmm…Ryder’s delight. Such a coincidence, cause I was just thinking about delighting Ryder. If I ever own a race horse, it’s going to be named “Ryder’s Delight.” Done and done.
CABSAREHERE! Everyone heads to Karma (why do they go to the same club literally every night? Is there only one club in Seaside? Is it really that small? Somebody help me out on this one, because I’m sure as hell not risking my life going to New Jersey to find out.) ostensibly to celebrate Ryder’s birthday, but really because that’s just what they do. Oh great, it looks like everyone is going to have a good time! JWoww is freshly single, Roger’s at the club, Vinny and Pauly are making jokes, and– FUCK! Here we go with the Ron and Sammi drama. Sammitch sees Ronnie talking to another girl and loses her shit. Surprise fucking surprise. Ronnie defends himself by saying it’s his boy’s girlfriend who has a kid, but to no avail. Looks like this is going to be yet another episode dominated by those two sniping like petulant children. I mean, they all act like petulant children, but at least Vinny and Pauly are funny petulant children. And Snooki and D Rex are drunk petulant children. Ron and Sam just make me want to hurt myself.
In other news, Situation brings home a grenade. More on that later.
Memorable quote: “She’ll show you her C-section.” (Well played, Ron. Can’t believe that defense didn’t work out for you. Wow.)
My friend Shano’s observation: Vinny and Pauly have evolved to the point that they are now like the hot girls at the club. As in, they don’t have to strategize or wing each other or hit on a bunch of girls and hope one of them bites. Much like the girls who always turn me down, they have the ability to just make a choice and go with it. It’s like choosing a puppy at the shelter for them. Especially Viper. That dude makes it happen.
The question I’m still asking: What kind of man introduces himself as “Nicky Ducks” with a straight face? That’s like me introducing myself as Dang Horsecock. Considering the circumstances, Vinny calling him out by asking if he said “Nicky the Nuts” is totally warranted.
Back at the house, everyone continues to have a good time…except for the Fucking Moron Twins, Ronnie and Sammitch. Seriously: it’s Ryder’s birthday (mmm…), Roger’s over, all of MVP made successful pulls at the club, they ordered pizza, and D Rex still exists…how can anyone not be having fun? It’s like the two of them make an effort to be miserable. I hate that I’ve already written this much about them. If my eyes start bleeding halfway through this post, I’m blaming those fucking knuckleheads. Anyway, they keep arguing, Sam storms out and blah blah blah until Ron tosses all of Sam’s stuff across the room and tells her she should pack it up and leave. Shockingly, Sammitch is calm through the whole incident, calmly eating pizza and making comments like, “that’s not funny.” Is it just because she’s super drunk? If so, she should get hammered more often. She’s almost bearable when she’s this subdued. Whoops, spoke too soon. She’s crying. Never mind. I take it back; I still can’t stand her.
Meanwhile on the patio, Pauly realizes he the girl he brought home was a grenade and sets about putting on a demonstration in the “art of dodging a grenade.” Vin takes the opportunity to debut the Grenade Horn (is that a vuvuzela?) to inform everyone that an uggo is in fact on the premises. From where I sit, there’s only one problem with this: BOTH GIRLS ARE GRENADES. If anything, Situation’s girl is much more deserving of the horn blow. Pauly’s girl may be thick, but the skeletal remains of Sitch’s girl vaguely resemble Avril Lavigne’s ugly sister…Ugril Lavigne. Ooh, I like that. We’ll be sticking with that one for the duration.
Memorable quote: “What have I done to her in Jersey?” (I love how Ron always has to qualify that shit. He knows he was a dog, but only in Miami. It’s like he feels like an extradition treaty should be in effect. Didn’t happen in this state, so leave me alone. He may just be a genius.)
The question I’m still asking: Did anyone else notice Sam’s drunk voice? Her voice was completely different throughout this whole part of the episode. It was so much less screechy. Seriously, watch this part again (you know you DVR’d that shit just like I do, so don’t try to deny it) and then watch ANY other scene from the entire series. Totally different.
Commercial note: Ronnie’s trying to sell us Xenadrine. I don’t actually know what that is, but it sounds like it causes instant death. I’ll pass.
The rare but devastating familial cock block comes into play when Gina’s (the girl Vin brought home) uncle shows up to steal her away. Viper likens it to “Romeo and Juliet”…close, Vin. Did either of you commit suicide? Sooo, not so much like a Shakespearean tragedy then. Valiant effort with the literary allusion, though. On a more personal note, it breaks my heart when Vinny doesn’t get laid. I’m rooting for that guy 100% of the time.
OH MY GOD WE’RE STILL DEALING WITH SAM AND RON. This is interminable. JWoww consoles Ron, who’s crying in the living room. She whispers something about Sammy being hideous and looking like Steven Tyler on this season of “American Idol.” OK, OK, she didn’t actually say that. Instead she said some other nonsense. But that’s what she should have said.
Upstairs, Situation wakes Sammitch’s drunk waxy ass up to ask if she has any condoms. She tells him to see if “Ronald” (WTF?) has any, then asks where this “Ronald” character is. Oh, he’s downstairs talking to Jenni? It is ON. It’s on like Donkey Kong. Sammi goes from passed out drunk chick to berserker rage in an unprecedented 3.1 seconds. Remarkable. She screams from the balcony, “Are you friends with her? Let me know now!” Her hatred for JWoww simply cannot be contained as she runs down the stairs crazily muttering to herself. I have flashbacks from The Shining. Brrr.
Blah blah blah Sam yells at Ron blah blah blah Ron ignores Sam blah blah blah SAM PUNCHES RON IN THE FACE! Just straight snuffed him. Cocked back, right cross to the jaw, full follow through. Say what you want about Sammitch (lord knows I do), but that little stick figure packs a wallop. You can immediately tell from Ron’s reaction that shit hurt. I don’t care who hits you, a shot like that does some damage. And I should know: I’m super obnoxious and a pathetic weakling, so I’ve been hit a lot.
Memorable quote: “You need to salvage that…and get it in with your girl.” (Nice Hail Mary try at a three-way, Sitch. Maybe you’ll get ’em next time.)
Other shit that was going on: Throwing Ryder a birthday party. Ryder’s passed out. Probably dreaming of me. Mmm.
Commercial note: An ad for Plan B One Step. That’s just good marketing right there. Way to know your demographic.
5. AM (See what they did there? See, because it’s the fifth part of the episode, but it’s also like 5:00 in the morning. More clever puns from the Shore.)
Sammitch packs her stuff and calls her mom to come pick her up. The gang (minus Ron & Jenni) inconceivably try to convince her to stay. Why anyone would do such a thing is beyond me. I’m totally bored with this whole storyline, so let’s talk about something else that’s going on at the same time.
Watch as the group slowly congregates in Sammi’s room to make their appeals. Vinny comes in first, then Snooki, followed by Pauly and Ryder — who is apparently just bored and dragging herself around with the crowd, since she hates Sammi too. Now, watch as Ryder, enters the room. Who is that in the background? It’s Ugril! Where did she come from? And where is she going? Situation is nowhere to be found…whoop, there he is, in Sam’s room. So what’s his girl doing? Ah, of course: an overhead shot of her in the Smash Room– BY HERSELF. A minute later, Sitch is back downstairs playing with JWoww’s dog. Then, after that, he’s in his own bed in the room he shares with Ron & Sam. This dude still has not gotten it in. Remember my speculation about him from last time? Just sayin’.
Sun’s coming up. Ronnie and Sammitch are reconciling. Symbolism abounds. I’m vomiting profusely.
Memorable quote: “I need her…to shut the other one up, so I can get it in.” (Everyone say it with me: get some, son!)
Memorable quote #2: “God isn’t your ego.” (Vinny is like a combination of Yoda and Rainman…and Seabiscuit.)
The question I’m still asking: Seriously, why did Situation not bang that girl? How is no one talking about this?
Yeah, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry this whole part of the episode exists. Nothing even remotely interesting happens until the stripper pole thing, which everyone saw coming at some point. Stripper pole in the Shore house = only a matter of time. The barber shop scene at the end finally woke me up, but we can get into the implications of that in the next bit. Otherwise this was a 6 minute snooze fest. I think I took a nap.
After getting haircuts, the guys head to the gym. D Rex and JWoww are also there, so Situation (of course) decides to instigate some shit by sharing what the boys heard at the barber shop. You see, it seems Dean (the Ronnie lookalike that D Rex’s has been hooking up with) shared some personal info with the barbers. (You know, like ya do. Do people really share intimate life details with the people who cut their hair? That seems horribly uncomfortable to me.) In this case, Dean spread the rumor that– well, how do I put this delicately? Let’s say that if D Rex were in a middle school band, she’d be more likely to play the trombone than the clarinet, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, just watch the episode. Or, if you don’t have time for that, go eat a salad. Freshly tossed. You with me yet?
Deena was understandably upset about this rumor, so later that night (CABSAREHERE!) at Karma, she curses Dean out. I guess that’s the end of Dean. End of episode. What? It’s not? Oh right, JWoww and Sammitch make up. Who gives a fuck?
Memorable quote: “Karma’s a bitch, literally!” (A third pun! Well, kind of. It’s actually D Rex’s poorly executed attempt at a pun. But she’s trying, and I respect that. She also allegedly likes to lick asses, and I respect that, too.)
The question I’m still asking: Deena admitted to liking something that was at least a little weird sexually, or so the tone of the conversation leads us to believe. So, if it’s not “that,” what is it? I’m legitimately curious. My fascination with this creature only increases with each passing week.
Next time on the Shore: Ron and Sam fight some more. I die a little inside. Ronnie apparently bleeds out of his rectum. All true.