Now that we’re four episodes deep in season 3 of “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “What Do You Mean, the Lab Results Don’t Look Good?”), we’ve all had a chance to get a feel for the vibe each character is bringing to the house. Since Miami, everyone has gotten a little older, maybe a little wiser, maybe someone choked on a bottle cap and is at the bottom of a river (*cough*Angelina*cough*). What? I’m not saying I hope she died. I’m happy she got the Heimlich maneuver and dodged an ugly incident with that Corona situation, and I wish her all the best on her river snorkeling vacation. Don’t judge me because you jump to really grisly conclusions. That’s a fucked up mind you got there. Psycho.
At any rate, now seems like a logical point in the season to examine each of our heroes and heroines. What order shall we go in? Alphabetical? Chronological? Venereal? No wait, not the last one. I know! Let’s go from pale to tan. which obviously kicks us off with…
Vinnie (a.k.a. Viper, a.k.a. Seabiscuit)
Viper’s been a little off the radar, but I think that’s by design. Aside from the stalker scene and his out-Situation of the Situation, he hasn’t gotten himself involved much. That also means he’s stayed out of drama, which was never really up Vinnie’s alley. Or maybe he’s just laying low because Seabiscuit brought too much drama in the offseason by banging Ryder (respect). Or maybe he’s just growing up. Of course, we know from this episode that Ryder will be showing her little minx face (I think she’s super hot, but in like a trashy, I-kinda-feel-like-I’m-too-good-for-her-but-she’s-also-out-of-my-league-at-the-same-time kind of way. Am I crazy? Maybe I just have no standards. Whatever. She’s cute…for a white girl) in Seaside soon, so Viper may find himself in some shenanigans sooner than later.
Ronnie is like wallpaper; I can’t get a read on the fucking guy. One second I hate him for making me pop pills over his agonizingly nonsensical Sammitch drama, then the next he’s grilling turkey burgers and chilling with Vinnie at 4am, then he’s covertly blowing up JWoww’s spot in the confessional. Not to mention, he’s had two of the funniest single lines of the season: the mind condom from episode 3, and this week’s “Is that Dean?” I don’t know if this show is scripted, but if it is, whoever wrote those is a genius. All this adds up to me being really conflicted. Do I hate Ronnie? Do I love him? Are questions like these the reason my therapist won’t take my calls? I swear I don’t know anything any more.
Sammie (a.k.a. Sammitch)
I can’t even write about this useless human being. She’s like a vestigial (Google it. I don’t have time to explain everything to you.) organ…except she also spews batshit crazy nonsense out of her mouth, looks like she has a drum skin stretched over her entire body, and will occasionally punch a bitch. OK, so that last bit I like, but still. We barely saw her this episode and I’m glad of it. Looks like she’ll be pulling an Angelina and bouncing next week anyway. Praise Jebus. Seriously: FUCK. HER.
First off, I refuse to call this dude Mike. His name is Situation. There is no Mike on this show. Got it? Good. Moving on. I only have one (OK, two. The next one comes later) question about Sitch: why will he not fuck D Rex? I realize she’s not a dime; in fact, some assholes have even compared her to an extinct lizard, but that’s never stopped him before. Situation has 100% banged girls way uglier than Deena. Plus, she keeps flinging herself at him. Even in the last episode when Viper locked Sitch out of the threesome, he still wouldn’t go for it. He was all revved up and got shut down, he was drunk, and she plainly offered…there’s no way I’m turning that down. Not in a million years. That situation (see what I did there?) is a desperate one. I’m talking “IMing ex-girlfriends” level desperate. It’s not often life just put a silver medal down right in front of you. You gotta snatch those up.
This of course, raises the logical question: is Situation gay? Think about it. He’s always the last guy ready, because he puts time into consistently being the most flamboyantly dressed guy. Even more so than Pauly. He’s the best cook in the house. And so far this season we have yet to see him hook up with a single girl. For the Situation, that last stat is unprecedented. (I know what you’re thinking: he hooked up with Paula and he made out with Deena. The D Rex thing didn’t count, because even he admits there was nothing there when he kissed her. And did we actually see him do anything with Paula? To my recollection, you see them go upstairs, then the next 5 minutes are about Vinnie and Ron hanging out. Check it out.)
Is J tanner than Sitch? I can’t tell. It’s nebulous, which is a word that cannot be used to describe JWoww’s boobs. I realize that’s a terrible segue; I just like to mention her boobs at every opportunity.
I really want to feel bad for JWoww with this whole Tom situation, but I’m struggling to find the emotion. I mean, he’s definitely a scumbag. And apparently he has a penchant for ladies’ watches, which is super weird and probably a little pathological. I’m all for spiting (is that a word? Maybe I just mean smiting, but that doesn’t really express what I’m trying to convey here) one’s ex, but larceny? Possible animal cruelty? Necrophilia? I know, there was no mention of necrophilia in this episode…but they also didn’t say he didn’t bang corpses, did they? Makes a guy wonder. Oh yeah: boobs.
Deena (a.k.a. D Rex)
No one’s stock has risen higher in my book this season than D Rex. Every week she amazes me more and more. Last week she was flashing her vajayjay to the whole club and then getting booted. This week she’s got chicks doing body shots off her before making out with them and then taking home Ronnie’s twin. (Quick aside: did anyone else think the Deena/Dean and Nicole/Nick meetings were providence? I mean, what with the gender name pairings and all? No? I’m the only one who thinks about these things? Alright then.) I feel like I spend every episode gushing about how awesome she is. And this is coming from the dude who thought she was going to be like Alanis Morrisette’s career: painful to listen to, depressing to watch, endures for way too long. I could not have been more wrong. I owe D Rex an apology. Or maybe a new nickname. Nah, I’ll just apologize.
My frontrunner for the Most Underrated Award this season. If this house is a baseball team, Pauly is Michael Cuddyer. (I got these weird quotas to fill. Obscure baseball reference? Check.) He keeps his head down, he fills his role, he’s a part of everything but somehow always in a positive way, and he makes everyone around him better. His pact with Vinnie this week mocking the whole JWoww/Snooki/Sammitch letter situation from Miami? Sheer genius. Dude should get a writing credit on the show. Not to mention the glorious line, “You can’t just show up on Sunday with a giant banana, and expect everything to be peaches.” Someone please enshrine that line somewhere right now. If we were cavemen, that line would get chiseled on a wall. It needs to be preserved.
Let’s also not forget that Pauly D gave us the T-shirt time song, and “Cabsarehere!” I just don’t understand how and why he got so effing weird in the middle of last season…but I like it. Also, the over/under on the number of episodes until he unleashes one of his rage screams — a la “ARE YOU TOUCHING ME??” to Angelina — is 2.5. I’m going under.
Of course, that brings us to Snicks. I don’t care what Pauly says, Snickers is the tannest in the house. Four episodes into her return to Seaside, here’s what we know about Snooki:
1. She has — or at least we are being led to believe she has — a drinking problem.
2. She uses booze to replace a boy she can love. Or to replace bronzer. Or her Bump-it. I wasn’t paying much attention, really.
3. She desperately wants to bang Vinnie.
4. She poops when she’s nervous.
Read those 4 again, but instead of thinking of them as describing Snooki, think of your weird aunt instead. Seem about right? She’s like one lesbian encounter and 2 acid trips away from spending a year touring Mexico on a motorcycle, sending tiny packages of local candy to JWoww at every stop. OK, I confess: I have no idea what the fuck that last part means. After 1500 words, I don’t have the energy to change it. Let’s wrap this up: Nicole is a drunk.