Please don’t sue me, Bill Simmons!

As mind-crushingly exciting as this week of two “Jersey Shore” (alternate title: “The Reason Hand Sanitizer Exists”) episodes was, I have to admit: it’s exhausting. Just two days after writing 600 words on episode 2, episode 3 is on! It took so long to get my head to stop spinning (read: I’m lazy) that now it’s Thursday and episode 4 is airing in 3 hours. Three episodes in the span of a week; I feel that kid who broke the single day masturbation record. That could be because of all the masturbation, though. Hard to tell.

Anyway, since I took so much time getting this post done, I figured the best way to go about it was to employ a device used by me favorite sportswriter, Bill Simmons: the Retro Diary. Let’s fire up the DVR and get crazy, get wild…

0:01 – Immediately following the credit sequence, we open on Ronnie and Sammie discussing their really deep and troubling relationship problems on the balcony. Sammitch admits to being “mentally fucked up.” There’s a real revelation for you. I’m concerned she may have actually suffered brain trauma at some point in her adolescence.

0:03 – Drunk Snooki polishes off a raw potato (was it raw? It kinda looks like it was a leftover baked potato. Let’s have a really long-winded discussion about it. Or not.), then drunkenly chases Vinnie around the house begging for sex. Viper fights her off, but not before we learn his dick has been dubbed “Seabiscuit.” Awesome. Just. Awesome.

Snicks’ voice over tells us that she knows Deena is into Mike, but doesn’t want to be “too forward.” Wait a minute: isn’t this the same girl who got ass naked in front of Sitch on the first night? The girl who blatantly offered him sex with her “or me” comment last episode? She doesn’t want to be too forward? Just checking.

0:07 – “Kitchen ditchin’.” God bless the Situation. I think he might be some kind of idiot savant. Or just an idiot. Or an actual genius. My head hurts.

0:11 – La dee da, just coming back from commercial with the usual Shore montage scenes AND OH MY GOD IS THAT GUY DRAGGING A DEAD CHILD ACROSS THE BEACH?? WHY ARE YOU FILMING THIS?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO GET HELP!!

0:12 – In retrospect, that child probably wasn’t dead. I doubt that would get past the FCC. But still…

0:13 – Snooki pops a squat in the fridge to relieve her ass burn. Actually a really savvy move, but can someone explain to me why her ass is burning? What does lotion have to do with anything? Am I an idiot? How is corduroy made? Where do babies come from? GAAAHHHH!

0:14 – “Mind condom.” Another stroke of genius. Smartest thing Ronnie’s said since he dumped Sammie before Miami. Oh, and also, he and Sammitch are fighting again. Fuck them. Wake me up when it’s over.

0:20 – Ronnie asks, “Why am I dealing with Sam’s drama?” Funny, I just had the same fucking question! Is this really still going on? Even after the commercial break? Sweet fucking Tom-Cruise-god, make it stop.

0:22 – The apology. My first thought: “Does this mean we have to see more of Sammie from here on out?” My second thought: “Would I do more damage to the TV or my skull if I just ran into it head first?” Feel free to weigh in with your opinion.

0:29 – Her boobs really do look phenomenal. There’s no other word. Well said, Snicks. Cabs are here!

0:30 – D Rex’s chocha pops out again. If it’s going to keep making regular appearances, can we give it a name (other than “Seabiscuit”; that one’s taken)? Can it at least have its own face spot in the opening credits? I’m amazing. I should work for this show.

0:31 – D Rex — and her chach — get booted from the club. In less than one minute of film time. Call it a premature evacuation. (Extra credit for astute viewers: Pauly called that shit. Rewind 2 minutes and tell me he doesn’t. I’ll wait.

…see? Told you. And THAT is what we call “foreshadowing,” kids. Write it down.)

0:33 – I really don’t care about Roger or his girlfriend. Unless JWoww’s gonna get busy in the next 4 minutes –thereby officially making me a man — this is irrelevant.

0:38 – Ron & Sam reconcile. My TV screen is suddenly obscured by vomit. Not a coincidence.

0:39 – Who’s the guy in the salmon shirt? He’s, like, escorting Pauly around, so…is he a friend? Is he part of the crew? Did Pauly and Viper form an impromtu posse? Is he trying to bang Pauly? None of these scenarios would surprise me.

0:43 – The MVP Trifecta! Sitch, Viper, and Pauly all bring girls home. And unlike last episode, they each had their own! Thankfully. That means we don’t have to watch Mike beg Vinnie for sex later.

Why does Mike forever insist on eating before getting it in? Don’t get me wrong; I like food and sex (or rather, I like the idea of sex and I think I’ll probably like it when I eventually convince a girl to let me awkwardly flail at her with my bits), but I don’t really think I would take a time out at like 4:00am to fire up the grill and make some turkey burgers while I have a girl over. I also wouldn’t have a girl over. Or be awake at 4:00am. Or own a grill. Or have food in my house…Now I’m depressed.

And while we’re at it, WTF is up with that chick Paula? In every shot since she got back to the house, she was either: a) expressing herself loudly & monosyllabically (“FIRE!”); b) smiling vacantly like Drew Carey on “The Price is Right”; c) shoving half a hot dog into her mouth; or, d) all of the above. I’m a little concerned about the legal implications of hooking up with someone of her apparent mental capacity.

0:48 – It’s coming.

0:49 – The suspense is building…

0:50 – Seriously, are you ready? Cause it’s about to happen…

0:51 – “WHERE’S THE BEACH??” Your star is burning extra bright tonight, Snickers. Commercial!

0:55 – For the last 3 meaningful minutes of the episode(yes, I said “meaningful.” The Shore is full of meaning. Clearly you have at least some interest in it, or you wouldn’t be 900+ words deep on a blog post about it. Stop being so judgmental. I can feel you glaring.), Snooki stumbles and flops around on the sand while JWoww and D Rex watch in terror and a MASSIVE crowd gathers. (Did anyone else notice how many people stopped and watched? The whole boardwalk was packed! There were more people watching Snooki’s Kiefer Sutherland impression than there are at the average Justin Bieber concert.)

As she’s shoveled into the squad car, Snooki heroically declares, “I’m a good fucking person!” But wait! I think I’ve heard that before! Let’s go to the tape…

(Rewinding, rewinding…god, this “Skins” show is gonna suck…rewinding…Whitney from “The Hills” is trying to sell me something. Is it stretch mark cream? Does that make sense? Oh right, I don’t care…rewinding, rewinding…)

Here it is! At the 22 minute mark, Sammitch tells us that Snooki’s reaction to her apology tells us “what a good person Nicole really is.” Two instances of foreshadowing in one episode! Well played, Shore…well played.

The episode ends, and we’re left with the tug-at-your-heart-strings “Snooki has a problem” angle. They spent the whole episode gradually building it up, and just as the dumpster fire reached it’s zenith, I’m left unsatisfied with half an erection and a scene of a squad car pulling away while JWoww clumsily tries to tell Nicole’s dad what happened. Story of my life: girl gets too drunk, Dan writes a thousand words about it. By himself. With no pants on.

New episode in less than two hours!

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