When we wake up in the morning, we have a certain set of expectations for how the world will look/feel/act, based partly on what it was like when we went to sleep. Some of these expectations are global and universal, like expecting gravity to still hold us to the ground, Republicans to still be nutso, and death to still be looming ominously at the end of this slow, painful march we call “life.”
(Whoa, wait a minute. That got dark in a hurry. Uh, I need to say something funny, and quick. Um…so this grasshopper walks into a bar and says– you know what? Fuck it. You’re gonna die. Deal with it and enjoy the ride. If you’re really concerned, maybe spend less time reading blogs written by guys who don’t know how to express themselves without cursing. But don’t really. I need every reader I can get in order to show my parents that I’m not an overwhelming disappointment. Well, this was a long digression. What was I on about?)
On this particular morning, I shook free from my dreams (I had one where I had sprouted actual chest hair. It was weeeiiiirrrrd.) and went to my laptop in the living room to discover my internet connection was down. Since it was 8:30 in the morning, I hadn’t had any coffee, and I generally have the problem solving skills of a monkey to begin with, my first steps were just to stare blankly at the screen for a while, do some random mouse clicks, then fuck with the back of my cable modem for about 3 minutes. No love. Denied.
So, I manned up and called Time Warner to solve my problems for me. As much as I love to write about service encounters, I’ll spare you the details and cut to the chase (that’s right, I used a cliche): they couldn’t fix it remotely and have to send a technician…NEXT THURSDAY! How is that the level of efficiency we’re working with? Yesterday I saw a commercial where a woman is on a plane and starts the car sitting in her driveway using an iPhone app. We can do that, but we can’t get my cable modem fixed in less than 8 days? How does magic-telephone-remote-car-starting technology trump basic internet service repairs? My brain hurts.
Gah…I don’t even know what I’m going to do without interwebs for over a week. I’m more addicted to the internet than
Lindsay Lohan is to driving drunk Eliot Spitzer is to whores Sonny is to Cocoa Puffs. Fortunately I have a smartphone, but that can only satisfy my craving so long. I feel like I’m using the methadone of internet devices. I’m getting shaky. And yes, smartass, I already tried hijacking someone else’s signal. They were all encrypted. This isn’t 2006.
Point is, I’ll be blogging from my phone for the next week or so (wrote this entire post on my Droid)…unless I can come over and borrow your wireless. I can be a very gracious guest. I’ll even try not to curse. I’ll probably fucking fail though.